


Two halves become one whole

by thegoddessofmischief



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Assassins & Hitmen, Avengers Movie Night, Bucky Barnes Has Nightmares, Cute Bucky Barnes, Developing Relationship, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Psychologists & Psychiatrists, Series, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Teasing, The Avengers - Freeform, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, soft steve rogers, soft tony stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:09:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25844095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegoddessofmischief/pseuds/thegoddessofmischief
Summary: You, a hitman with a degree in psychology, is begged by Steve Rogers to help his friend, the ex Winter Soldier. Will you accept and if you do, will you succeed without the former Soldier getting to know you willing chose to become what he was forced to?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Steve Rogers & Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 67





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your day started out as normal as it could, that was until Steve Rogers tells you the ex Winter Soldier is joining the Avengers and he needs your help.

_Hit_.

”Come on, you can do better!”

 _Hit_.

”One more time!”

_Hit. Hit. Hit._

”There you have it not once but three times”, you said while you took of the sound blockers as well as protecting eyewear. You hadn’t heard Steve’s commands while you shot, but you were able to read his lips from the corner of your eye. The sound of the shots still echoed in the room while you had spoken to him, but you didn’t hesitate on knowing that he heard the words, so you continued. ”And if you say I can do better than the bullseyes in the dolls over there, the next step is probably in someone’s head”, you pointed in the direction of the shooting dolls which, as you said, had clear shots in the bullseye parts of their bodies.  
”I take that as you don’t want to continue this session then”, he chuckled lightly, while doing it he took his gear off and directly after motioning for you to give him yours, which you gladly did. Before following Steve towards the station for both of your things, you clicked on the safety on the gun.  
Your eyes were locked on his back, thoughts elsewhere, so you almost didn’t notice when you by habit de-attached the magazine, which you already had emptied during practice.  
When the blonde man stopped and held the door open for you to exit the shooting range, you snapped out of your thoughts and nodded a thanks before turning right. You halted a few steps later, not much longer after the sound of the door closing hit your back.  
Steve’s symbolic blonde hair was the thing which made it easier for you to notice his movements in the darker surroundings. His actions weren’t fast but at least faster than yours. Your mind had been occupied more times than not the last week, though now was the first time your actions felt affected by them. However, you knew this wasn’t true, thinking back on your almost-perfect run through on the training today.

”You did good”, you had noticed Steve walking towards you with a quick and unnoticeable glance over your shoulder, a move learned long ago. You raised your head, smirk almost too big for you to hide while taking a step closer to the keypad on your right.  
”I know”, you watched him while you pressed the code, which you by now didn’t even need to look at while doing, to access the matching department for the Glock in your hand. The iron enforced stone walls retracted, showing racks holding up guns in the generally same model as yours. Taking half a step forward, you put the gun in its designated place, contentedly smiling at the order of all the weapons.

”Sometimes it feels like you forget that this is my profession”, you said, switching to look at him instead of the weapon wall.  
”Your former profession”, you couldn’t hide the smile to his reaction.  
”Is it really tough?” You hummed in response. ”I do practically the same thing, without as much money involved”  
”I can’t believe you talk so lightly about it”, you heard the sentence under his breath and arched an eyebrow at it. You didn’t think daintily about it, you knew how bad of a decision it had been, though that didn't mean it made it any less easy to joke about.  
”Oh don’t be such a sourpuss, I’ll treat you lunch”, you said calmly, in comparison of the way your thoughts spiralled out of control. You saw him cross his arms while cocking his head back, having the disappointed dad look about him.  
”Old habits die hard”  
”You know it the best, Rogers”, you patted him on his shoulder while you passed him and he wasn’t late to follow you out, which you hope was for more than your lunch offer.  
You thought this lunch would be peaceful, however, it seemed nothing with the blond man sitting opposite you in the café could be. He’d dragged you here, unusual compared to the otherwise calm meal you two enjoyed at the tower, and you had no idea why he did it. The suspicion had been a reaction to his sugar-sweet smile while he walked beside you. The two of you ventured down the street, somewhat unnoticeable, even though that almost was impossible with the man towering at your side

”What are you implying?” You’d abandoned your sandwich, Steve had already finished his before you even started. He’d just said why he took you here, so you wouldn’t be able to make a scene, about what you didn’t now…yet.  
”You know you can be a bit dramatic, probably goes with your professions”, he waved what he said of, trying to get the conversation back on the track. However, you didn’t let him do that just yet.  
”You know very well it isn’t because of my professions I act like I do, its called personalty”, you bit back, knowing your affairs had been polar opposites, so they didn’t have anything with your behaviour to do.  
”Believe what you want, but I came here to tell you something which I didn’t wanna get…”, in the end, he trailed off, though you finished for him.  
”What? Yelled at? A few curse words thrown your way? I’ve already done that to you more than a few times, sometimes for good and others worse. If you build up this thing this much, not anticipating my reaction, you’re probably getting both of them and at the same time”  
”Perhaps those are a few of the things, but mostly I don't wanna lose you on this”, you stopped whatever you thought you would’ve butted against. Leaning forward, Steve could see the deep furrow between your brows. Your hair shielded your expressions, making it hard to notice the difference in you for others, although he could.

His features weren’t hidden under the cap, but it subdued them a bit and made it harder for you to read him, like you usually were able to. He must have noticed your scrutinising eyes not finding the signs they wanted, as he began explaining what he meant.  
”You know Bucky…”, he didn’t ask you, he knew you know, he’d been with you when the knowledge came to you. You’d insisted that you should go to the exhibition about him and the second World War. You did have an interest in history, although when you pulled a badly disguise Steve Rogers trough the doors, a miracle no one noticed him, it had all been for jokes. However, soon it became more than that, as you with great interest started to read about things Steve already had told you, but also things he hadn’t in the same extent. James Buchanan Barnes was one of them. Standing before the information and pictures of him, you really got to know who he was, Steve beside you telling things in a hushed voice as well.  
”Yes”, you answered Steve. It was a short response, but you didn’t know what else you could participate with.  
”He’s coming to join the team”, it felt like the world crashed when he said this, but it was just your shock which made it feel that way. Last time you heard about him was when Sam had gotten a few trails on the man. The former military man hadn’t been a direct part of the team then, instead he’d his own mission, specially questioned by Steve. It had been to see if he could find any leads on Bucky, or then The Winter Soldier.  
Steve had been sure that last time he saw the man, on the Helicarrier, a part of his friend came forth, making him relentless on finding him. You didn’t follow the progress in detail, because when Sam joined the team, you thought he put the work on hiatus or left it behind. It seems you’d ben more than wrong.

”Why?” It almost sounded harsh when you asked, but you couldn’t help yourself.  
”He’s getting better, we took him in a few months ago…”  
”A few months ago”? You hissed at Steve, his eyes widening by your tone. Now you understood why he took you here. You would yell at him and defiantly throw in a few curse words at the same time, but not here.  
”Y/N, please he isn’t the same anymore. He maybe isn’t the same Bucky I know either, but he’s better and I think with you…”, he pleaded in a low voice so the rest of the café wouldn’t hear him.  
”Steve just … Jesus”, you sighed out harshly before you raised your head looking around the room for a waitress to pay the bill. You found one quickly, the same one who took care of you once you came, one who you knew weren’t going to make a mess, which appreciated now.

The brunette walked over to your table, smile matching yours as she stopped a respectable distance away, not as close you’d heard from Steve that they sometimes did when he was alone.  
”Do you need anything?” Her voice was sweet and light, not sultry or annoyingly high pitched as others could get. If you had more time, you would perhaps get to know her better than just her name.  
”Nothing more than the check, please”, she nodded to you, not even batting an eye towards Steve who just watched the interaction without saying anything.  
You sat in silence the short while she got the bill, you didn’t even look at Steve all the while, but you felt his gaze on you. He was worried, he didn’t know why you reacted the way you did, but presumed you were scared of him the same way everyone else was.  
The waitress, offered a smile your way when she handed over the bill and then turned to Steve, giving him a nod, before walking off helping the next customer.  
”Y/N…”  
”Not here”, you cut him off while paying for the lunch, tipping a bit more than usual, but you thought necessary. You raised yourself, Steve following shortly after and almost seemed a bit timid by your sudden change.

You walked in silence the whole way. And you were quite sure that if anybody wanted to stop and talk with either you or Steve, your fierce features scared them off. You weren’t bothered by the silence, as you usually would be, cause your thoughts kept you busy, so much that you didn’t notice you took the elevator up to your floor until you stepped out.  
You walked down the corridor, always a step before the soldier behind you, not wanting him to suddenly halt you and talk here. You’d set your target, you would continue to talk about this in your room.  
You didn’t stop before the door, instead just pushing the unlocked door open and walking through it, expecting him to do the same without having to look.  
You walked to the couch, not sitting in it but leaning against its headboard. The sound of the door closing snapped you out of the half daze you’d been in and you switched to survey Steve as he walked in, neither he sitting down. He stood opposite you, in the space between your couch and bed.  
”Does the rest of the team know?” He looked stunned by your question, so casual like your twenty-minute walk never happened.  
”Yes”, Steve was worried, although he knew he didn’t need to. He knew why you didn’t ask why you hadn’t gotten to know, you’d been away for a mission, for more than a month, the same time Bucky had begun showing positive effects of his treatment. Not even a week later, after the trial period for his stability, he announced it. That Bucky would join the team. It was a process of checking more than one thing once, but in the end, the team had accepted he could get a chance. He only hoped you also gave him one. But what spoke against him was that you never got to know they found him from the beginning.

”Why?” You asked again, wanting to know if he would give a different answer.  
”I said it”, he sighed deeply before beginning. ”When we found him he was better than the last time I saw him, much better. He recognised me, he remembered things, not everything but it came with time when we took him in. I promise he is better, you don’t need to be scared…”  
”Steve just listen!” You couldn’t contain your nerves anymore, so the shout ripping out of your throat wasn’t controlled. ”I am not scared of him as you think… I just Jesus fuck!” You couldn’t choose what to do with your hands. They intervened, clutched your sides, you even began picking with the hem of your shirt, everything in the fraction of seconds. It stopped, however, when Steve stilled them with his gentle grip. You sighed when his hands, which was much warmer than yours, calmed you down from your frantic state.

”I am not scared of him Steve”, the statement seemed to make him relax, which you understood why for. Bucky was his friend. The same living relic from the ’40s as Steve was. He was the only thing he fought for as fiercely as the rights in this world. ”I’m just scared of getting to know him”, your words came out in a silent sigh which was for more than the reason that you lowered your head.  
”Why?” Steve’s voice was soothing, as it always was for some weird reason. His hands had changed from holding yours to rubbing your upper arms instead. The movement made you shake your head and raise it.  
”Not any of the hundred reasons you think Steve”, he smiled to your response and you waited, almost begged that he would lighten the mode with you got me there, but it didn’t come. He watched you, searching for your reasons, though not saying anything. ”I’m scared of getting to know him, or closer the truth would be he got to know me, that's the reason I’m afraid Steve”, you stopped yourself when seeing the shift in his eyes and feeling his soothing motions still. He began understanding where you were going.  
”I may be able to help him, but you can’t forget the most crucial point. I choose to become what he was forced to do, I decided to do the things he can’t forgive himself for”, you knew you were able to help Bucky, you’d especially taken your degree and worked with it to help people like him, but as likely you could be the one breaking him.  
”I…shit”, the blond man in front of you dropped his hands, one settling on his hip while the other rubbed the bridge of his nose. You circled your arms around yourself, feeling the hit Steve taken form your words yourself.  
”Shit indeed”, you mumbled to confirm his choice of words.  
”It be the same as for everyone else, we’ll work through it”, you raised an eyebrow towards him.  
”Work through it, is that the best you can come up with Rogers? Sure thing if it’s with trust, everyone needs to earn it. But we’re talking about my past, his past!” Your tone had gone harsh again, by instinct he shot you a glare, although it softened when he saw you.

During the time Steve had gotten to know you, he’d learned to see things which more times than not betrayed you in your stoic behaviour. Right now, he saw that you understood yourself, without him pointing it out, how much of a problem this could be. Even though you held yourself together, he could see the way you clutched your sides to keep yourself together. He knows the subject wasn’t one you liked talking about, neither neglected, but it took its toll on you. You reminded him of Bucky, although so different at the same time.

”Hey…”, his voice drew you out of your thoughts. When you focused on him, you noticed his arms were outstretched. Smiling gratefully at his gesture, you walked towards him. His arms engulfed you, his embrace making a content sigh slip past your lips.  
”I know you can’t lose him again, I wouldn’t want to see you do it either, so wouldn’t it be…”, you began, but he cut you off.  
”Don’t even say it Y/N. Remember what I said to you and why I was hesitant on giving you the news, I don’t want to lose you on this either”, his grip around you tightened throughout saying this and it made your heart ache.  
”Thank you”, you mumbled the words into his chest while you also tightened your grip on him.  
”I gave you the promise for a reason”, he mumbled back, making you smile sadly, the memories he talked about something you tried to not give any thought to.  
”Not everyone would understand why you did it”, it escaped under your breath.  
”The team does, it’s enough”, and it was to you.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Steve didn't really start off on the best foot.

Steve hadn’t let you out of his sight after your talk, even though you thought he would go, most likely pulling you with him, on his daily run he missed earlier that morning, but he didn’t. He spent time with you, talking about every random thing coming to his or your mind. You truly felt that talking to the blonde man did calm you.

”You serious?” You snorted, not too much ladylike, to something Steve said. The laugh escaping under your breath and the shake of your head made Steve feel that the heated moment from before eased up even more. 

He knew it wasn’t time for taking up the conversation you earlier had again, perhaps it never really would be, but he replayed it in his mind. The way he saw your facade crack bit by bit the more you told him about the likelihood about you and Bucky, being anything really, was impossible when he came to the compound. He saw your past haunting you almost as much as Bucky. It made him chew on his lip when the memories came back. How you just moved, what you said had looked so different _then_.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

_ Left shoulder. Scapula. Not enough to kill him, but if the shot would’ve hit its target, not even his superhuman powers would’ve saved him.  _

_ The team had just rounded up the mission, another HYDRA base, as it seemed they only popped up somewhere else as soon they thought they were done. His shield was at his feet and he began crouching down to pick it up, although halted mid-movement. The new tech Stark equipped him with was unusual and foreign, so it would take some time getting used to. Instead of his worked in movements, he now just lifted his hand slightly to retrieve it. He waited for the magnetic force in his suit’s gauntlet to make the shield come back into its place, though it never had a chance to appear. It hit him like a slap to the side, although the immense pain suggested it was more than that. He didn’t know for sure if it was a critical hit, his mind blanking out a bit as he lifted his hand to the wound. The time slowed down as he felt the hole in his suit and the fluid coming from it.  _

_ ”Rogers, what are you doing, your heart-rate raised point seconds ago?” Tony’s voice came through the com and Steve guessed he must be in the jet already to notice his charts.  _

_ ”Hit”, his voice came out low, not by choice but it felt like something held him back from speaking louder. His eyes searched the area, the clipped forest the signals from the Hydra base lead them to. He didn’t understand, they’d cleared the area, no more of their agents should be left.  _

_ He was zoned out enough to not hear the words of his teammates trough the com, although the mull of their voices still reached him. Suddenly he caught something, something shimmering a distance away. He fixed his concentration on it and if he hadn’t lost enough blood for it to be deadly, he swore he saw something move, no, someone. It only looked like a shadow at first, then he saw it morphing -almost questioning his sanity- until he saw the person standing up. He recognised the form as a woman and the thing she skilfully slung over her shoulder he only identified cause he’d seen Bucky make the same move in the ’40s. It was a rifle.  _

_ ”Steve, answer your damn com, could you?” Instead of hearing it in his ear, he heard it from behind him. Nat’s voice made him turn his head, his body following it. Her eyes widen seeing his hand, tightly pressed against his wound, something which couldn’t have been created more than a minute ago, or else he wouldn’t be as steady as he was on his feet.  _

_ The shock on her face disappeared when she jumped to action.  _

_ ”Steve’s hit, shoulder, injury severe by the looks of… everything, affects going to show sooner rather than later, he needs med guys”, she said while pressing even harder on his shoulder and the pressure made him grunt, as the stabbing pain made him wobble. He blinked, trying to get the dizziness out of his head enough to clearly see when throwing a look over this shoulder once more. _

_ ”Nat”, he gripped her fussing hands, stilling them enough for her to look up at her. ”Sniper”, the words trailed away when he, trough the corner of his eyes, saw Nat looking the same way he did. _

_ The women were still there, not far away from where she stood up at first, looking over her shoulder. Her hair waved slightly in the silent wind before she made a gesture to them, which made Steve grit his teeth. She saluted him.  _

_ ”Tony, it was a sniper. Affiliation…”, Nat glanced up at Steve, who only shook his head. ”Unclear. If you’re able, search the area, she can’t humanly possibly have come far”. _

_ ”Tony is already in the movement and I’ve already contacted Cho, the only thing which should make it impossible for us to take him to her is if you don’t get him into this jet”, Bruce voice sounded over the com. _

_ It was a struggle but Nat had been able to, with the help of Clint meeting her up halfway, take Steve to the jet. The ride home to the tower was nerve-wracking but not a second too short as Dr Cho met them as soon as the jet landed in the hangar. She couldn’t say for sure, but when Steve had trouble lying down on the stretcher, grunting and flinching away, which just created more pain, she suggested a broken bone in the shoulder.  _

_ The x-ray went fast and with a quick look, Dr Cho could say with certainty that the shot had gone through the scapula, a critical hit for anyone really, although for the circumstances the breakage had been clean. No splitter with the bullet, neither had bone been wrongly fixated. So the only operation necessary would be retrieving the cartridge and fixate the broken bone for it to heal correctly. After the surgery and Steve’s awakening, he was informed he would be ok. The tissue would heal quickly, although the bone would take some time. He would be out of the game and even if he was a super soldier, rehabilitation would be necessary to build up the muscles and other soft tissue.  _

_ They found her. Maybe a month or so after the incident, but they found her. Steve didn’t believe they did at first, seeing as a ghost never reappear. _

_ ”Hey Rogers, I think I found your shooter”, he remembered Tony informing and Steve have possibly never reacted as quickly as he did. Flying up from his bed, feeling the discomforting pain shooting trough the still not fully healed shoulder. _

_ He’d come into Tony’s lab, which served as his office more than the actual one, a big picture of the women on display. Both Tony and Bruce watched it, live footage which had been stopped in action. _

_ ”That’s her”, he couldn’t say he recognised her eyes, as he hadn’t seen it from his distance, neither her hair colour as it seemed to have been in an up-do then. _

_ ”Are you sure, don’t wanna get the wrong person. Shooting Captain America ain’t a light crime”, Tony cocked an eyebrow his way, but Steve only nodded. Her movement reminded of the shooters, even if those he’d seen had been few. Something with her seemed to fit the picture and though Tony hadn’t been able to get any footage that time, he didn’t need the comparison. _

_ ”Well then we take her in, probably without as much fuss as possible”. _

_ The moment you heard a knock on your door and lowered voices outside, you immediately knew what would greet you when you opened. With a smile, you met a small part of the Avengers who stood outside your apartment door, the rest most likely station at other places for back up. _

_ "You are suspected of shooting a member in our team", it was Tony Stark who spoke and you couldn't but shrug at was he said. _

_ "Sure", no denying, neither confessing, something you had learned to do. After that, you followed with them without any hustle, knowing it damn well would worsen a situation that already was under control. _

_ Steve hadn’t been with the ones who took you in, Nat had. She gave him the information about how it went. So the only thing the man found reasonable, even though his injury, was meeting you. He didn’t think he would be able to do it, because Nat almost had pushed him down in bed when he said where he was going, but in the end, he walked down the corridor, the redhead trailing behind him. Even though he didn’t need to limp, the subdued pain emitting from the wound made him do it.  _

_ He didn’t know if this was a bad idea or not, because you had tried to kill him, although still, you hadn’t shown any hostility since you'd come. _

_ Steve stopped outside the interrogation room you quite repeatedly left and came back to, he heard. Looking through the window, he saw you sitting there, a smile on your face as Clint sat opposite you. Your eyes gleamed in the light, while you laughed at something the man said.  _

_ Why did you laugh? The question surfaced in Steve’s mind when he saw you, sitting in cuffs, smiling as if you sat opposite a friend. As he pushed the door open all the eyes turned to him, the conversation dying with his entrance. Your eyes flickered over him, staying a bit longer on his shoulder. In the end, they settled to meet his gaze, your face much more stoic then before. _

_ ”How are you doing?” Your question made him frown, sceptical to your casualty. _

_ ”Could be better”, his voice was bitter. _

_ ”Better could be dead”, the smart comment made him cock a brow towards you, yet he felt like if you weren't a foe, both Clint and Nat would’ve laughed. _

_ ”Better could also be not shot”, he answered and you only shrugged. _

_ ”Yeah, sorry ’bout that”, you apologised. Steve didn’t answer, he felt that most people would’ve mumbled out the apology but you hadn't. You said it while holding his gaze, something, which could be seen as a real apology, although he felt like you just said it because you hadn’t anything to fear. _

_ ”Can I talk to her?” He asked Clint, who only glanced at Nat behind him before standing up. _

_ ”Steve, can I have a word with you before that?” Nat’s voice made him take a step back instead of forward towards the chair. ”You can’t talk alone with her. She’s the most hospitable person we’ve ever have the pleasure to take in, but we cant trust her just because of that…”, she pointed out in a hushed voiced, enough for only him to hear. He looked over his shoulder, not finding you looking at him expectantly, instead of having an easy conversation with Clint. _

_ ”She could snap, I know that very well. You can stay if you want, I’ll be fine with either-or”, he said, only wanting to talk with you, not in the moment caring if all of Shields agents stood behind him. _

_ A curt nod from Nat made him turn and take the seat in the chair. Clint nodded goodbye before beginning to walk out of the room, stopping when passing Nat and exchanging a few words. He didn’t concentrate on them, only hearing Nat would be staying, nothing new. _

_ He sat there, looking at you, his shooter. There wasn’t anything special about you, nothing that at least would make him stop and think killer. You were one of those one could see passing by on the busy streets of New York, fitting perfectly in because no one really didn’t in the big city. _

_ ”Why?”  _

_ ”Need to elaborate Captain”, you answered with a sweet smile. _

_ ”How many questions could I probably want to ask you personally?” He knew he sounded more bitter than he intended to, but it seemed you didn’t care about it. _

_ ”Oh, more than you probably think you could. Why did I shoot you the way I did? Why did I execute it on one of your missions? Why did I even shoot you?” You sported a sugar-sweet smile, one he actually didn’t think was fake, though you said such heavy things. He didn’t see you flinch, nor did your tone even waver when rhetorically asking any of the questions. _

_ ”You hit your head on the last one, why did you shoot me?” _

_ ”Because somebody wanted you to be shot” he narrowed his brows, no waver again. You weren't here to play, he noticed that. If he would ask, you probably would tell. _

_ ”You're an assassin”, your attention swayed from Steve to Nat when she said this. Browse furrowing much like his own. _

_ ”No”, you weren't an assassin, if you so had been you would give everything away to easy. He looked at Nat, her eyes swaying from you to meet his, the same question he had reflecting in her eyes. What were you? _

_ ”Your good with guns”, Steve caught himself saying it, too late to take back. _

_ ”Observant for only seeing me such a short bit”, you replied, pointing out he’d only seen you for what couldn’t be longer than seconds when he was shoot. _

_ ”Had a friend, capabilities similar to yours”, he thought of Bucky, though he didn’t believe his childhood friend had been this good with weapons, even if he wanted to think so. That concluded you were no ordinary war soldier and as you neither were an assassin, only one thing came to mind. _

_ "Interesting friends you have, Captain”, you hummed, even though you didn't expose yourself, he knew you compared Bucky to yourself. _

_ ”So how much?” This caught you a bit of guard. He saw the shock on you face before you answered, not verbally but with the motion to further explain, mentioning for him to once more elaborate. ”Don’t play dull, you know what I’m talking about. The number, how high was the number?” Steve felt his patience thin, not that he had a reason to feel like it as you, as Nat said, was the most non-hostile person they’ve ever taken in. _

_ ”Isn’t it selfish to ask for that?” You smirked when you saw that he would continue. _

_ ”No, not if I maybe want to turn myself in if the price is high enough”, his comeback made you chuckle. _

_ ”Are you sure the price ain’t gonna give you a heart attack?” You questioned him as if you were worried about him after putting a bullet in his shoulder. Steve smiled while touching his injured shoulder. _

_ ”Didn’t die out of this, so I’m feeling the most alive ever after”, he joked, not knowing where it came from. You nodded as she lifted your finger. Steve saw Nat flinching at the side and he made a sign under the table for her to stay back. With your pointer, you drew a single number in the middle of the table. _

_ ”One? One what?” Steve asked, his curiosity almost licking the table where your finger had drawn the mark. You leaned back, crossing your arms while watching Steve as the answer was as clear as day. _

_ ”It’s a nine-digit number”, your voice almost echoed around him and if he wasn’t the slowest on math, he would’ve said the number Nat did. _

_ ”One hundred million dollars”, she almost sounded astonished as she said the number out loud. _

_ ”Yup”, you popped the p before continuing. ”Pretty number for America’s golden boy”, the smile, almost giddy on your lips, made him conclude that he was more than right. _

_ ”You’re a hitman”, he voiced his thought and heard Nat huffing out her displeasure as he did. Mere seconds after the sound, you snapped to look at her. _

_ ”You serious”, you snorted. ”At least I get money for my job, instead of just a pat on the head”, Nat squinted her eyes, while Steve was in shock to say anything at the remark. He was grateful for when the door swung open, although none less surprised. Fury walked in, a few agents staying behind outside the room.  _

_ ”Did you need to get into trouble?” He didn’t direct it at Steve, instead of at you.  _

_ ”You knew you couldn’t keep me a secret forever”, you answered, but Steve saw how a minimal part of your jaw clenched, the smile much more forced than before. It wasn’t Fury who’d sent you, but he knew about the profession or else you wouldn’t incline to him with ”keeping you a secret”. _

_ ”Captain Rogers, Agent Romanoff, I suppose this interaction is necessary to clear her name, even though you are more than rightfully to be suspicious”, Fury said before taking a glance over his shoulder.  _

_ ”It would be for the best Director”, Nat’s forced answer came and Steve saw the gears turning in her head. She noticed him looking, with the glance she gave him, they’d agreed on one thing. Something wasn’t right and they would keep it shut until if ever, they needed to say something. _

_ ”Is the equipment off?” Fury’s voice brought back Nat’s eyes to him.  _

_ ”Not for the moment, seeing as it was needed before. I’ll be back in a minute” _

_ ”Romanoff, you can stay and watch that nobody enters. I’m assured Captain Rogers can further tell the information later”, he said before Nat even was able to leave her spot. She cast a glance at Steve, not worried but wondering, before exiting with a curt nod. _

_ ”So Captain…”, Fury began once again ”This is one of Shield secret weapons, close to none know she exists inside the organisation. Meet Y/N Y/L/N, S.H.I.E.L.D’s very own hitman”. _

_ ”Nice to finally meet”, the women said and then it went up to Steve why you knew Fury and possibly other people as well. You played a double game. _

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

You didn’t know how far you would’ve been able to walk by the amount of pacing you’d done back and forth in your room. Probably a mile. You were equally surprised that you hadn’t gone down a floor yet.

”If you wanted an invitation to my room, you could just come down and knocked, instead of coming through the roof”, you knew the voice, had heard it shout at you countless times in the gym, laughed with you till you cried, but at the moment it didn’t register fast enough. Faster was your movements, your learned habit, your instinct. Your hand had gripped the cold metal under the pillow on your bed before you could stop yourself. 

Nat raised one of her eyebrows, which you only noticed by halting your movements and looking over your shoulder. It wasn’t the only shock in the room, yours was probably higher than hers. Although the action, you didn’t try playing it off, instead you just sighed and laid your hand on top of your pillow.

”If that’s how you’re going to meet Barnes, then I suggest you rethink it”, you slumped down on the bed, hands almost irritably rubbing your face.

”I know… I know”, you muttered as you kept looking at the pillow, almost sensing the cold metalled weapon laying underneath.

”How are you doing?” You heard Nat’s footsteps slowly coming closer.

”Honestly?” Even though it was a question, you knew the answer before she nodded. ”Not good, Steve reminded me a few days ago that Bucky would come here and begin getting settled. So I’ve been cooped up in here ever since”, you responded. You remembered the first time Steve mentioned the preparations for Bucky’s arrival. You hadn’t understood it then, but when Steve went out with the information that most of the team would be staying in the tower and missions would only be assigned if it was necessary, it was clear afterwards. You also remembered the second time, four days ago. Steve had caught you in the hall heading down to train when he reminded you, he’s going to arrive tonight. You couldn’t remember much from that training session, besides that, you came from it with a split knuckle. 

It had been a month, maybe even two, since Steve and you went to the cafe and he told you everything. One, maybe two months since the stress of Bucky’s arrival made you go into meltdown and Steve comforted you. You felt that another wasn’t far away, but you knew Steve wouldn’t be close this time.

”I noticed”, she stopped before continuing, and the short while you glanced at her. She almost looked troubled by the faraway look in her eyes. ”I’ve seen Barnes here and there, but Steve said he would wait with the interactions a bit.”

”Understandable”, he had talked with you about it. How he should proceed with Bucky coming here and you’d advised him to take it easy. Make Bucky choose when he would go somewhere. Show him the places he will feel secure in first, the rest later. Secure places were important if he would start feeling safe. 

”You know you ease Steve’s mind a lot helping him out with how he should think”, now you turned to the redhead sitting beside you. She had a gentle expression, although the red hair framing her face, made it look a bit more intense.

”It’s only my pleasure”, you shrugged before continuing. ”It would feel useless if I took my degree without even using it”, she almost snorted out a laugh when you said this.

”You remember that you worked as a psychotherapist, right? Because I do. So you shouldn’t feel your exam is useless. Although what you can feel a bit futile about is not helping Barnes with anything”, a chuckle escaped you, the closest you’d been to a laugh the past days.

”Thanks, Nat, made me feel good then turning it around against me, really nice”, she only smirked, while standing up.

”You know you should help him, your the only one in the actual team having the right knowledge about how to”, you stood up after what she said it, your thoughts immediately going back to the conversation you had with Steve those months ago. You couldn’t do it.

”You know I can’t, I’ll just ruin it”, she cocked an eyebrow towards you all the while she crossed her arms.

”Why are you helping Steve when he asks?”

”Because he needs help”, you didn’t hesitate on helping Steve, he was one of your closest friends, almost bordering to family for you.

”And Bucky doesn’t?” You were shocked, your mouth opening and closing without so much as a sound coming from it. In the end, you let your head fall, shaking it, in disappointment or ignorance, you couldn’t tell the difference.

”I thought so”, was Nat’s final words before opening the door and exiting.


	3. Chapter 3

Bucky had been here for over a week, which was why one could think that after yours and Nat’s talk, you agreed on meeting him, but you didn’t. You cursed your sorry ass multiple times as you hadn’t seen the former Winter Soldier even once. Not passing by in the corridors, not seeing him sit somewhere or anything alike. You could promptly say you avoided him. 

Steve, on the other hand, you’d seen more than you thought you would. He often came to ask for help, using the same reason as Nat drilled into you ”you were the professional”. Even though he asked for help because  _ he _ mainly would helping Bucky, he continuously asked if it wouldn’t be better if you just worked side by side with him. It would be easier if you were there and got introduced to Bucky, a new face so he didn’t get bored with Steve’s old one, as he said. 

By now you’d lost count of how many times Steve had visited or just had a quick chat with you asking about ”your introduction to Bucky”. This consistency you sat grumbling over after every interaction, even now when it wasn’t finished. The blonde man sat opposite you, reflecting over the guidance you gave in the next step of his friend’s recovery.

”Have you thought it over?” You sighed, knowing what he meant. The last time you’ve seen him, he’d asked about you to at least consider introducing yourself to Bucky.

”I’ve considered it and Steve… you know why it isn’t a good idea”, you couldn’t hold off the tiredness in your voice.

”No tell me, why is it a bad idea?” He challenged you, leaning forward in the armchair he was sitting in. Your breath came out ragged when you exhaled, not wanting to bring up every point again, but seeming to have to.

”For once, I’ve done things which he can’t forgive himself for, so why would he whatsoever forgive me? And second I just…”

”Y/N, don’t you understand that your more alike then you may think? That’s why you have such an easy time giving me tips on how to help him”, Steve cut you off and at the end of the sentence, he almost sounded out of breath. You just stared at him when he’d said it tough. He had never pointed out that the two of you were alike, though you were not stupid enough to not notice the similarities.

”I understand very well that we're the same person, thank you very much”, you bit back but not because you were irritated, but that you began to grasp your decision soon would change. 

”Hey, you know I didn’t mean it like that…”, Steves lowered voice made you look up to watch him instead of your intertwined fingers.

”It’s okay, I understand”, your voice was not as tense, now just sounding more exhausted. The silent chuckle from the blond man, now beginning to lean backwards again, made you shoot him an inquiring look.

”I’m not laughing at you”,  _ good  _ you thought, because if he had you probably would’ve changed your already doubting answer. ”Just the situation. I almost sit like this with Bucky every time we meet, not talking very much.

”So, you’re saying that I’m a great conversationist?” You made fun of what he said, but instead of bantering back, he rolled his eyes and continued.

”You were the same when you first joined, was what I was going to say, I began noticing it when you help me with how I should go forward. The places you say would help him relax and not feel pressured in, is the same you had”.

”You know this sentiment, even if it’s cute of you remembering, won’t change my mind”, Steve looked up, his baby blues concentrated on you. It looked like he hoped for a change in your answer, but hearing this, he sighed heavily while standing up. He’d given up, luckily you’d had done it way before. It wasn’t until his back began turning towards you that you picked up your sentence again. ”I’ll meet him”, he turned around, breathing out a  _ thank god.  _

You had started to stand up from your place in the armchair, but before you were able to regain full balance from the movement, you almost got tackled straight back down when Steve engulfed you in a hug. You would say his happiness, unable to make him stand still as it seemed he vibrated, was close to boyish.

”Hey big guy, I know you’re happy but can you at least make it doable for me to breath so I will be able to meet him”, he eased his embrace enough for you to be able to breathe, although not far enough for you to escape it as he held you on arm-lengths distance.

”You don’t understand how happy I am” 

”Your hug almost draining my life, gives me quite the accurate impression”, smile hinted at his lips, though his eyes were where you saw his happiness. 

”I know how you feel about it, but I promise everything will go easy once you’ve met him” 

”I will hold that against you Rogers”, you smirked up at him.

”You do that”, he gave you a crooked smile back, the teasing air having his spirit calming just the tiniest bit. You broke the eye contact the two of you held, taking a deep breath. At the same time, you felt his lips connect with the crown of your head, the feeling disappearing as soon it made itself present.

”Come on, I’ll introduce you to him before you change your mind”, an airy laugh escaped you when you began trailing behind him out of the room.  _ Better do it quick then,  _ you thought to yourself.

Bucky receded on the same floor as Steve, which no one argued against it. Probably because not many trusted the former assessing enough to live beside him, as well as it served good if Bucky lived beside one of the few people he knew. Although, the blonde man walking a few steps before you seemed to have set his mind, that you would be added to Bucky’s list of trusted people.

Steve stopped at the door opposite his, glancing over his shoulder at you. He raised his brow, much likely questioning if you were ready.  _ As ready as one could be, _ you thought to yourself while giving him a nod. When been given the sign he wanted, he gently knocked at the door, the silence filled by the noise bouncing off the walls.

”Hey Buck, it’s me”, Steve began talking before the door even opened, his voice could almost pass as a murmur how gentle and low he spoke. He once more looked back at you over his shoulder. ”There’s someone here who want’s to see your beautiful face”, you narrowed your brows to what his words, sending him a glare. It seemed he didn’t even need to look at you to feel your harshen stare, only shrugging his shoulder.

Your thoughts were interrupted, same as with your chance to ask Steve what he was feeling so smug about when the door swung open. You hadn’t heard the steps up to the door, but the opening of the door was impossible to miss. You saw a figure before Steve, although not much more than a tuft of brown hair. Taking a step to the side, so you hadn’t the giant in front of you anymore, you saw Bucky for the first time. 

You knew that he wouldn’t look the same as his photo in the museum, that wouldn’t be possible, but his appearance shocked you. Rugged is the word you would choose to describe him with. Instead of short and well-groomed hair, it was longer, some parts touching the curve of where his neck met his shoulder. It was unevenly cut around his face, not for the cause of framing it you saw directly. He slouched seeming to want to hide from others, though you could see that he would almost be as tall as Steve when, or if, he didn’t. His black clothes almost made his hair melt into it, a shadow was what he tried to make himself. 

Your eyes scanned over his body in a matter of seconds, yet it wasn’t until you met his eyes that you stilled. Blue, like Steves, although darker and almost entering grey. To a beginning, they looked hollow, but as if someone flipped a switch, a slight crease formed between his brows and you suddenly felt the intensity of holding his stare. Bashfully you adverted your eyes so he wouldn’t feel like a lab rat being examined, although you think you already failed that.

”This is Y/N”, Steve tried redirecting Bucky’s attention to him instead of you. ”She’s been the one helping me…”, you looked up at Steve, feigned ignorance to the brunette still staring at you, wondering what he led himself in on. ”And I thought she also could help you”, he smiled down at you, before looking up and at his friend once more. You followed his eyes, meeting the darker ones of Bucky who never left you. The furrow between his brows was still there, but now you saw his eyes flickering over your face, searching for something. His eyes never met yours after either finding or not finding what he looked for, instead, he looked at Steve.

”I trust you”, his voice was low, the same gravely undertone Steve’s could get sometimes. But what he said wasn’t directed to you, but his friend. He turned around without a last look at you, wandering into his room again.

”So?” You didn’t know how to continue. Though you couldn’t see Bucky through the open door, your instinct told you to follow him. Something almost urged you to help him after witnessing, which shocked you after your resilience to meet him.

”He left the door open of a reason”, Steve made the motion for you to enter before him. 

”What would’ve happened if he didn’t”, you asked while slowly walking in.

”I would probably stand with a broken nose, not because of the door but your fist”, you chuckled at his wit at pointing back to the promise he held to you, though you hoped even Steve understood that it was near impossible to keep.

Bucky stood behind one of the armchairs, cautiously watching as you entered with Steve by your side. His face was still latched in a scowl, which you bet it would continue to be probably the whole time you were here.

Glancing around the room, you saw that it was sparsely decorated. It was muted, not much more then necessities splayed around the room. You felt a faint touch at your back which made you look away from inspecting the room.

Steve was the source of the touch, as you suspected, as he nodded down to the armchair opposite the one Bucky stood behind. The frown spread before you could stop yourself. If you sat in the armchair, you would take Steve’s usual place, as he would need to sit in the couch. So you looked up at the soldier standing right beside you, shaking your head. You continued the few steps it was to the sofa, seating yourself there instead. The blonde man looked at you when he sat down at his usual place with a raised brow, questioning your decision. 

You didn’t waste any time staring at Steve to try to explain your choice without words, instead you directed your attention to the restless man still standing. Bucky’s eyes met yours directly when you shifted concentration to him. 

Both of you watched each other, the silence beginning to make you feel bothered. You had many questions you suddenly wanted to ask, although the words for any of them seemed to be lost.

”How are you …”.

”Bucky”, his low gruff made it clear for you that this was his way of introducing himself.

”Bucky”, you tested his name before leaning back, resting your arm on the armrest. ”How are you?”

”I think you already got that explained”, he sounded both tired and defensive, something which you didn’t take to heart although Steve started to lean forward. While not being in the same chair, you sat close enough that you gripped his shoulder and pressed him backwards again. Surprised he looked at you, though you waved him off while talking to Bucky once more.

”I mean, how are you today, right now?” You asked him noticing the way he hastily glanced at Steve before back at you. 

”Like every other day”, you only knew how his positive, respectively negative, days may look like, as Steve liked to discuss them although his everyday health was unknown to you.

”And would you like to explain how those are?”

You took small steps during the possibly two hours you sat there conversing with him. It wasn’t like other conversation you had with Steve or Nat and defiantly not Tony. You talked to Bucky like you would with any other client you helped in the past, but something still felt different. You couldn’t put your finger on what it was, but something in how you steered the conversation was different from how you’d done it before. Maybe it was because you talked to a former assassin and not an ordinary person, perhaps because of something entirely else. But different it was.

You had deemed the meeting over, not because his answers were lacking, just by the feeling of not wanting to pressure him this first time. You felt like it had gone well, he had become less defensive. He didn’t open up as much as you think at least Steve hoped for, but you knew that was impossible to accomplish only after one time. The frown was what you felt most disappointed with, he had it the whole time. You hoped you could at the end at least rid him of that, something you scoffed at as you’d reached your room. You hadn’t any idea of what the cause for it was, and as Steve stayed behind to go through the next step with Bucky, it seemed you wouldn't get to know either.

When you had headed out from the room, Steve followed you with his eyes, giving you an encouraging smile and mouthed  _ you did good, which you nodded a thanks too _ . Then he noticed that you looked over your other shoulder, at his friend which was still standing. 

”I’ll see you again, Bucky”, your voice was the same as if you’d said goodbye to himself. 

Switching to look at the man you said goodbye to, he saw Bucky's head had raised to also look at you. He didn’t verbally answer, although he nodded his head. After that, you walked out, content because you knew you wouldn’t get any more prominent gesture. 

”Why you catch the furrow?” Steve asked his friend as the door closed behind you, which to a beginning didn’t answer but rounded the armchair and sat down.

”Just something”, he rubbed the space between his brows, trying to smoothen out the scrunched up skin. Steve raised an eyebrow to that. He knew that something bothered his friend, ever how much had happened to him through the years, the same frown etched itself between his brows since they were small. He knew it had to do with you, if it was good or bad he wasn’t sure yet, although he weighed for the later. Bucky had been almost as talkative with you as himself, perhaps it wasn’t the same but considering it being him, it was good. 

”So what is the next step?” Bucky's voice was what brought him back from his thinking, though much by surprise, as it wasn’t usual for his friend to initiate the next phase.

"We talked about that now when you've been here some time, that it would be good to begin to adapt to the routines”, he waited for the usual reaction, a question if it really was a good idea, though it wasn’t the one which came. However, a single nod was. ”Perhaps I should take Y/N with me more times, as it seems you become agreeable”, a smirk toyed with his lips, to which Bucky let out a huff too. 

”Who is she?”

”Y/N? Well apart from a good friend one in the team since a while back”, Steve wasn’t necessarily surprised that Bucky asked about you, you were one of few he didn’t know about on beforehand, your name not as commonly known. Looking at Bucky, Steve noticed that he sat grumbling about something for himself, almost as forming another question. ”If you want to know more about her, just ask”.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait with this chapter, ran into a writers block, although good news is that now most chapters are done and will be published during the following week.

After you had your initial meeting with Bucky, you suddenly saw him everywhere, unlike before. Of course, you knew it wasn't because of you letting go of your fear of seeing him. Because in reality, it was only the next step in the process. 

After the first meeting, you had left Steve to walk through the next phase with Bucky, though that didn't mean he wouldn't inform you afterwards. After an hour, of what you knew wasn't only a serious conversation, he came knocking at your door. Without hesitating you let him in and before even closing the door he started to talk. To yours and even his surprise, you learned, he said that Bucky had been pretty willing to take the progress further. That was the reason you saw him more, like now.

You were in the gym, one of your practices with Nat in full swing. You had noticed Bucky entering, about halfway into your session. Though you only had gotten a glimpse of him, it was enough to see that he hunched in on himself. You noted how he sat down on a bench at the far end of the gym, where not many people put their stuff. 

The same moment you knew your attention strayed a bit too long, you felt it. Your legs got swept from underneath you and with a heavy thud, a groan in its follow, you fell on the sparring matt, wrists stinging from trying to catch yourself.

”You need to concentrate”, Nat’s voice sounded from above and behind you. Rolling over from your stomach to back, you saw the redhead standing just a few feet from you.

”How the hell did you get there?” She couldn’t contain the smug expression as she answered.

”Seems your head was lost for longer than I thought”, she chuckled when you narrowed your brows while sitting up. ”You avoided a few blows, before giving me an open space”. You grunted, knowing very well that you only could blame yourself.

”You can’t make yourself fall for her like that”, the sudden voice made you turn to glance over your shoulder, immediately finding the blonde soldier walking towards you.

"I'm gonna use that one towards you next time", you responded and heard his chuckle as he now stepped onto the sparring matt.

"You need to take me down first", you raised an amused eyebrow to what he said, unable to hide your own smirk while answering.

"You know I'm able to".

"All too well", his words fittingly came as he stopped before you, smile still present as he stretched out his hand for you to take. Reaching for it, he helped you to a standing position again. 

"Should I leave you guys to the showdown or?" Your attention was pulled towards Nat, who had closed the space between the two fo you. You saw the entertainment in her eyes.

"Although I owe you since last week, I have my own session to go to", Steve declined and not until him acknowledging Bucky, did you feel the eyes which were on you. Your minor shift didn't go unnoticed by the blonde, which brows knitted together in the same old Steve fashion way, as he glanced towards Bucky's direction.

"When did he come here?" You didn't want the brown-haired man to feel pressured from multiple sets of eyes on him, so you continued looking up at Steve while answering. 

"A few minutes, maybe", you said in a hushed tone, one which Nat followed upon.

"He's the reason her attention strayed", she nodded towards you and Steve's gaze trailed back towards you.

"Only good I have an extra set of eyes to help me, how’s he doing?”

”Haven’t talked to him today, although if you remember we set a meeting later this afternoon last time. So, if it is anything hopefully he’ll tell then”, you further answered. You knew he was more than happy Bucky began socialising even the tiniest bit, but something bugged him, you as well. The frown Bucky had the first time meeting you seemed to be staying. Every time you’d met him, he had it, even when Steves was there. 

”Feels like he needs it”, his eyes switched between you and Nat, seeming coming to a realisation. ”Well, I should excuse myself so you can continue”.

”It's ok, we're done either way. If you don’t want your ass beaten again?” Nat smugly smiled at you, to which you chuckled.

”Without distraction, I think I owe you a face-full of matt”, Steve huffed out a laugh and patted your shoulder, before heading over to the brunette in the other end of the gym. Following Steve with your gaze, you only noticed Nat taking over his former place beside you from the corner of your eye.

”Are you sure you're gonna beat me? Because your distraction is still here...”, you whipped to look at her, greeted by a mockingly raised eyebrow and head tipped the way Steve and Bucky stood. You looked their way, noticing Bucky still sat on the bench. As if feeling your eyes on him, he turned to look at you. 

”Piss off”, you playfully elbowed her, even so only a soft smile spread on her features.

”Sure thing, you coming or?” She glanced towards the soldiers, both now standing and warming up for their sparring.

”I’ll stay, need to fix my sorry ass anyway because of all the times I landed on it today”, you both chuckled while walking to where your things were.

”Understandable, can’t have you fall like that on the field, we need you trigger-happy”, you groaned so loud you think even the boys heard it, but with the despise for the nickname you were unable to do anything else.

”Why did he need to come up with that?” You muttered with as much despise rolling off your tongue, as laugh did when Clint mentioned it the first time in the interrogation room, right before an injured Steve had stumbled in.

”He thought it was funny”.

”It isn’t even accurate”, you threw up your hand in despair, the bag hanging on your shoulder inching down. Nat laughed when you muttered a few chosen curse words the archer's way, almost hoping he would hear them. 

"Complain all you want, he will not let it go”, she said, you let out a sigh while shaking your head, knowing she was right about that fact.

”Oh almost forgot”, you raised a brow, wondering what it was as she took a step back, coming to stand closer to you before whispering. ”Don’t work that ass in front of the boys, think their attention will be as good as yours”, your eyes widened to what she said. 

”Jesus Nat!” You all but shouted, to which she only winked at you before walking away again. You debated on chucking your water bottle in the back of her head, but the eyes you felt bore into the back of your neck, made you conceal yourself. 

As you turned around, you met Steves eyes, crinkled in the corners because of his smile. He knew you and the redhead get along well, also about your antics of teasing each other, so he had probably already figured that was the cause of your reaction. Although when you turned to Bucky, his eyes were set on you, a puzzled look on his face. You prayed to whatever god that he hadn’t heard a word Nat just said to you.

”You staying?” Steve asked, breaking the silence which had settled when only the three of you were left.

”Yeah”, you tried shrugging away from the thoughts Nat just planted in your mind. ”Will round up a few things, then I’ll be on my way”, you smiled as you began to walk further into the gym, passing them. Both nodded before engrossing in their conversation, mainly led by Steve, while they walked to the middle of the sparring matt.

You worked through your exercises while trying not to get distracted by the sounds echoing in the gym. Grunts, huffs and moans of displeasure together with heavy thuds and slams of someone falling into the matt was the background sound for you while training. You were happy that most of the machines you needed to use in the machine park were located further in, making you unable to see any of the soldiers sparring. However, even your luck seemed to have run out. 

When you only had one exercise left, you found yourself walking to the front row of machines. They were lined up alongside the sparring-mats, a safe few feet away although not enough for you. You now had front-seat to the sparring of the two super soldiers. 

While piling weights on each side of the machine, Nat’s words kept ringing in your head like a festive banner-waving around.

”Bet ya’ would be laughing in my face if you saw me right now”, you grumbled to yourself imagining Nat standing beside you, laughing while you only tried doing your routine. You stood on the slightly angled platform, putting the top of the machine on your shoulders, hooking off the safety mechanism and started to squat. 

Clint was the one who had showed you how to use this machine, like the rest of them. Even though he didn’t use it so much himself, he said it could be beneficial for you, which you smacked him in the back of the head for saying. But now you maybe could muster up thanks to the man because yes, it had its effects. 

One set in, one more to go and that was when you heard one of the biggest thuds yet. You’d already locked the machine so it wouldn’t come crashing down on you while resting between sets, so turning around you made in no time. Bucky was on the floor, Steve standing and smiling victoriously above him. 

”You boys doing good?” The question slipped out from you before you even had the chance to think about it.

”Only minor distractions that’s all”, Steve's laugh eased into a boyish smile while Bucky staggered up to his feet, his furrow gone as he glared at Steve.

”Sure. Just play safe, don’t want anyone of you hurt”, you chuckled, while climbing out of the machine, the last set be damned.

”You don’t want to join us?” Steve asked genuinely, but one look at him told you he was up to something.

”No not really, I would be pinned to the matt more than standing up if going up against any of you”, you didn’t think about your choice of words before seeing Bucky’s raised eyebrows. Maybe he was just shocked about you including him in what you said, but even with his super-soldier enhancement and the metal arm, you highly doubted that was the only thing he reacted to. ”And I have other things to do”, you excused with a smile as you began heading towards the exit. Your eyes didn't stray from the door, not until you heard the baritone voice you’ve gotten used talking to the last two weeks, call out.

”Later?” You turned around, immediately meeting Bucky's gaze, which seemed to never have let you go. Your confusion probably showed in a puzzled expression as he continued his few worded question. ”Talking session?” You caught on quickly after that. ”Of course Bucky, I’ll meet you this afternoon as we decided”, you sent him a small smile and he nodded, turning to Steve who nodded goodbye over his friend shoulder.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

You knew that therapy was a charged word, especially for Bucky, so it had come naturally to rename your meetings as soon as you become a regular part of them. Since four weeks back, you've met him three times a week for talking session, spending more time with him than anyone, besides Steve that was.

It hadn't been easy at the start, the former soldier sparsely, if ever, initiated topics to talk about. Neither did his few worded answers help you, yet you didn't deem the sessions unproductive, as you came to recognise his patterns and triggers. Getting to know these were detrimental, as even Steve seemed oblivious to some, as he pressured for answers on the wrong topics. You had mentioned this to him a week or two ago, since then you noticed how he gave you more room to work with. At first, you feared he got too apprehensive speaking himself, but he soothed your nerves by repeating what he had said to convince in the beginning. You were the professional.

Since then you saw how Bucky slowly relaxed and crept out from the shadows and so did Steve. He started bringing it up often, of course when his friend wasn't nearby, that you were the difference which really helped the former soldier. You argued that there wasn't a difference between you and the other Bucky had worked with before you even knew he was in the tower, yet Steve didn't yield saying he never opened up and to a person quite as fast before. 

You stopped your writing for a second, shaking your head while watching a few of the notes you had scribbled down on the paper before you. You couldn’t understand how Steve thought you were the cause for Bucky's slow but steady socialisation with the team. Especially not when reading some of the topics you thought the session today could orientate around. You weren't afraid of silence during these meetings, though, you always had some questions prepared in advance to occupy both of you. Because you knew, he wouldn't feel as comfortable having you studying him in silence as in dialogue. Glancing at the clock, you saw it was only a few minutes until you would meet Bucky, so you began making your way up there.

You didn’t run into Steve any time walking to Bucky’s room, so when you knocked on his door, you assumed you would see a blonde head greeting you. Only that it didn’t happen. Bucky opened the door, his appearance much different from the first time you saw him. He stood straighter, the height difference separating you much more apparent now. His hair, although damp from what you guessed was his post-workout shower, seemed better kept. Neither did his eyes look as hollow, his face radiated instead of the dullness it had before.

”Hello Bucky”, you greeted him and he mumbled out a greeting before gesturing for you to enter. It was the first time he did that, motioning for you to pass him first instead of he turning and walking in. You weren’t surprised by it but simply didn’t expect it. With a smile, you nodded thanks and walked in. You quickly scanned the room, something you found yourself doing every time coming here, this time perhaps more in search for the blonde man.

”Steve hasn’t come yet?” You acknowledge finding his usual seat empty. Turning around you watched Bucky just about letting go of the door handle, the wooden piece now closed. ”You want to wait for…”, you hadn’t the chance to finish the sentence before he cut you off. 

”He won’t come”, he began, probably noticing the blunt tone of his voice when you let out a shocked oh because when continuing, he uncrossed his arms looking down at the floor. ”I thought I could talk with only you this time”, he glanced up from the locks which had fallen in his face. ”If that’s alright?” You smiled at his words, happy with the trust that had begun to settle.

”Of course it is, you’re the one choosing, we’re just here to help”, you answered him sincerely glancing down at the armchair Steve usually sat in. Perhaps Bucky saw your hesitation because his voice shortly made itself known again.

”It’s ok”, glancing over your shoulder, you saw him slowly walk closer to his usual place. Sitting down, you saw that he did the same, smiling for yourself as it seemed he was a bit more comfortable in your presence than usual.

”So how did the training go?” You didn't think any further about what your question could lead into, not until you saw the familiar tug of a smile in the corner of his lip.

”Good, until Steve whopped my ass one time”, you watched him as it looked like he drifted away in the thought.

”Only one time?” You asked him. The teasing tone which you hid in your voice, instead showed itself as a bit back smirk.

”You think he did it more times?”

”I am positive”, you tried holding your smirk invisible for the man opposite you. 

”You’re right he did it a few more times” when he’d said this his eyes flickered away from yours, the frown, which you hadn’t noticed until now hadn’t been present, taking its place.

”Is there something bothering you Bucky?” It looked like you dumped him in ice by his wide eyes snapping to you. ”You just have the same frown Steve sometimes get when in thought, is it something you want to talk about?” You hurried to explain so he wouldn’t get uncomfortable and when he kept looking shocked, you started trying to excuse yourself, thinking you missed a trigger. ”I’m sorry…”

While you got worried trying to find a fault in what you had done, Bucky was in his own head. He zoned out as soon as you wondered if something was wrong, something you noticed simply because of his frown. He was shocked you asked or rather, that you noted it in the first place, but he reminded himself it was your job to do so.  _ No _ , it wasn’t your  _ job _ to help him. Steve had asked for it as a favour and while he wasn’t upset about the fact, it bugged him. He didn’t know what you were to Steve, you were close, almost too close to only be friends. 

The thought of the first time he saw you with his friend made him remember how pleasant your simple present had been. How you had treated him as someone and not something. Yet that was not all, he hadn't needed to verbally express everything he thought. You could read him easier than others, almost even better than Steve. It was nice somehow, not needing to word everything, yet he would feel more at ease if he could've done the same with you. The only things he knew about you, he got from observing, besides your name from asking Steve the first time. He knew the blonde noticed his curiosity in you, yet he never brought up the conversation, standing by his words he said after you left the first time. If you want to know more about her, just ask. 

What brought him back from his thoughts was your sudden movement and his eyes instantly snapped to you. Your eyes continuously flicked over his features and though he didn't know exactly why he tried reassuring you.

”It’s ok, it ain’t anything I just…”.

You couldn’t tell what he was about to say and after the zone out he just had you didn’t dare to guess either. So you stayed silent until he continued by own accord. He looked up at you, eyes searching your face, the insecurity shining in his own.

”I just wanted to ask you a question?” You furrowed your brows, this was not in the least what you imagined. You nodded, not wanting to offend him if this is what bugged him. ”How are you?” Bucky cringed when asking you, but you couldn't help a soft smile spreading from spreading.

”I’m good, thank you for asking”, you looked at Bucky standing opposite you, he was still timid, but something began telling you that he held himself back. ”Do you have more questions?” You tried saying it gently, mainly as you have seen how tense he became before. You watched him and you saw him take a deep breath and nod.

”I have an idea if your all ears?” His head tilting answered your question, which made you tell him about the plan you thought about before the session. ”Because I ask you a lot of things, getting to gradually know you… it would only be fair that you ask me some in return”, you purposed the thought and even if you couldn’t read his reaction of it being good or bad, his answer confirmed it.

”It would”, his answer came in a more self assure tone and the smile he gave you was the first one you’ve seen been directed towards you.


	5. Chapter 5

“How has your day been?” You smiled while walking into Bucky’s room. While he had been apprehensive asking what he wanted in the early stages of the plan you suggested, it gradually improved. And at this point, he was comfortable to ask almost anything. Yet, he always asked how you were, even though you argued he didn't need to.

“It has been good, thank you very much”, you answered, seeing the gorgeous smile spreading on his face. Ever since he let his curiosity show, you had begun seeing him in a different light. You tried assuring yourself that if anyone spent as much time as you did with Bucky, they would start to have the same thoughts as you did. “How about you?" 

"I’ve slept”, you nodded as you heard the door close behind you. Although the comment could be interpreted as sharp, two things differed when Bucky gave it. One, he didn't supply the most detailed answers generally, thus the reason you had become skilled at reading him. Two, saying that he slept was almost enough to understand he was at ease. Usually, he didn't sleep more then a few hours, either restlessness or nightmares keeping him awake. You’ve witnessed the past one yourself, though only thanks to Steve. If he hadn’t come to you _that_ night, you wouldn’t have seen the heartbreaking stage Bucky was in and neither would your heart have opened for him the way it did.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

_ You woke up by a banging on your door. Habitually, you would've called out to the one outside, but the sudden awakening disabled your voice. Instead, you groggily staggered towards the sound, happy that the one thing in Starks tower that wasn’t too high tech to understand, was the door. As you opened it, you saw a blonde mop of hair greet you on the other side. _

_ “I need your help”, the desperation in Steve's voice made you awaken significantly faster then what you otherwise would’ve. You blinked a few times, the sleepiness disappearing, making your vision clearer. Refocusing on him, you noticed his eyes held a worry you only have seen a few times. _

_ “What for?” You noticed the tremble in your voice. _

_ “Bucky”, the urgency he uttered it with and the force he pulled on your arm to follow him, made you understand that something must be severely wrong. _

_ “Steve…Steve!” You tried breaking him from his trance as he continued to pull you towards the elevator. Realising that he didn’t hear, or listen to you, made you tear your arm from his grip. The action made him look at you. “Steve, tell me what’s going on”, you gripped the sides of his face, making him focus at you. You saw him concentrate on you, his eyes flickering all over your face before he shut them, a sigh rippling through him before it was let out. _

_ “I’m usually able to help him myself, but this time… something is just…”, you hushed him to a stop.  _

_ “Tell me what happened, from the beginning”, you urged him so you could get a grip of the situation. It seemed you hadn't noticed Steve called on the elevator before you tried to reason with him, hence the bell of the elevator almost startled you. The sound and your reaction seemed to snap him out of it. You saw the shift, the normal him returning, as you released him while stepping into the elevator. He followed close behind, swiftly pressing the button to his and Buckys level.  _

_ You stood opposite each other as the lift began its pursue. Something which made you able to see the seemingly deliberating look on the blonde man's face. You leaned further into the wall, feeling goosebumps spread over your body as the cold metal came in contact with your bare legs, the action getting his attention. _

_ “I’m sorry I should’ve given you some time”, he apologised, hinting at the oversized t-shirt which only reached half of your thighs. You chuckled meekly at his antics. _

_ “I only hope it’s good enough of a reason to have me running half-naked through the tower”, you said, but seeing his expression turn guilty, you quickly continued. “Although what I could piece together, whatever happening to Bucky is”, he nodded while impatiently glancing up at the numbers slowly ticking by. _

_ “He’s having a nightmare, but it isn’t like anything I’ve seen before. He won’t fully wake up, sometimes it seems to be him but…”, he shook his head, making you understand. His other side hinted. The Winter Soldier could be present. “I should warn you about it”, he hesitantly said, looking up at you. _

_ “I know Steve, I know the risks, have always done”, you soothed his worries, although you suspected he saw the small hint of apprehensiveness you held from what he then said. _

_ “You don’t need to...” _

_ “Before you even finish that sentence, I’ll say you’re wrong, I defiantly need to”, you stated and he gave you a sharp nod. Like that was a signal the doors opened, the sound of the ting resonating, although drowning in another one.  _

_ You didn’t hear the full volume of it, but it was enough to be heard from this distance. You shot Steve a worried glance catching the last look of him before he stalked down the hallway, you hot on his heels.  _

_ The closer you got, the louder it became, to which you felt something started to stir in you. You couldn’t deny fear was one of the feelings, although the worry of hearing Bucky’s scream tear through the air like this made it less prominent.  _

_ The moment you started to see the door, you wondered for a second how you would enter without him being able to open it. Your thoughts, however, soon became answered as the big man you followed went right inside, the door already half-open. You came in, stopping besides Steve as he almost took up all of the space a few steps inside the door.  _

_ What you saw made your eyes widen, although no sound came out of your mouth like you thought it would. The room felt vastly hotter than the area outside of it. You noticed one of the bedside table lamps laid broken on the floor, together with a few pillows scattered on the ground. Some seemed to have slipped off the bed, yet others seemed to have been thrown. Though that wasn't what your attention stayed on for long. _

_ Upon the bed, you saw Bucky. Although he was silent now, he seemed to be in no less distress. He twisted and turned, probably why the covers had been tangled tightly around his legs. His arms were firmly pressed towards the mattress, hands clutching the sheets hard enough for them to start coming undone from the edges. The hold was unwavering enough that his fist had gone white. His metal arm, which was on the other side, you guessed held as tight, if not more so from the silent but audible buzz it gave away.  _

_ Your eyes trailed from his arms up towards his face, noticing that the shirt he wore was a few shades darker then you knew it should. Though not until you caught a glimpse of his face, did your stomach really fall. The fine lines in his face, which you lately come to see adorned with a smile, was now contorted in pain. His eyes were tightly shut, lips parted as short breaths seemed to leave them by the way his chest heaved. His hair was plastered to his forehead, small strands of it falling into his eyes.  _

_ Though he'd been calm since you entered the room, you saw his body stiffen and jerk somewhat off the bed, a scream then ripping from his throat. It was guttural and from how his lips drew back, it reminded you of an animal. You couldn't help but look up at Steve. _

_ He felt your eyes on him and only because of that did he look down. Immediately he saw on your form, how timidly and small you had become, that you were uncertain of what to do. He started judging his choice of fetching you, yet somehow he knew if anyone could help it was you. _

_ If Steve hadn't begun taking small steps towards the bed where Bucky’s scream once again lessened in volume, you would've been frozen to the same spot as before. Now though, you followed him.  _

_ Closing in on the man on the bed, the agony radiating from him became palpable. You didn’t want to do anything else than reach out to for him, but you knew better than to startle him, especially him. Therefore, you stood beside Steve at the side of the bed, not daring to ask him what to do, scared it would trigger the man in front of you. Although it was at that moment you heard it, the stuttered sound pushing past his lips. _

_ "Please", it sounded so broken that you couldn't take it. _

_ “Bucky”, your voice left you before you could even think of taking it back. “Please Bucky…”, you softly pleaded to him, not knowing if he heard you or not. Slowly you squatted down beside the bed, being able to see his eyes moving behind his eyelids from this close.  _

_ “Do you hear me?” Your hushed question wasn’t answered, but you thought noticing a moment where he stilled. _

_ “It seems so…”, you heard the whisper from Steve. You glanced back at him, seeing how he watched his friend as intensely as you. Understanding that the blonde man fully well could've noticed his friends momentarily tranquillity, you turned forward once more. _

_ Without you noticing, Bucky had turned his face your direction and if his eyes hadn't been shut, he would've looked right at you. He had inched it closer as well, enabling you to see a droplet of sweat trickle across his face, until it disappeared in the stubble covering his jaw. _

_ “Hey Bucky, Steve’s here. I’m here”, you mumbled, the desire to take his hand which rested mere inches away from where you rested your own to not lose balance, almost won. _

_ “Y/N…”, it seemed like he wanted to say more, but your name was enough at the moment. As he turned over to rest on his back once more, you gently seated yourself, as far away from him as possible to not touch him, on the edge of the bed. _

_ “Yes Bucky, I’m here”, this time, at your voice, he seemed to become somewhat conscious as his hand relaxed enough from their violation of the sheets, to gently be placed on your naked knee. A jolt shot trough you at its natural warmth and you felt Steve's surveying gaze follow the movement. Although you wanted to ask him about it, you didn't dare, as you feared you would disturb the peace you got Bucky into. Therefore you continued looking at the man in front of you, suddenly noticing his lips moved without any sound leaving him. You furrowed your brows as you felt a shift in his grip on your knee. _

_ “Bucky…?” You leaned closer to him, your hand hovering over his cheek, but stopped when you saw his eyes begin to flutter open. For a moment, he looked scared until he faced you. His features shifted right before your eyes, a hardness dulling them. The next thing happened so fast that you even dared to guess Steve would’ve been startled. Not only did he anchor your knee to the mattress, but now he also had a bruising grip on your wrist, which hung in the air halfway between the two of you. It made him sit up and face coming close enough that you could detect his scent.  _

_ With mouth open in shock, you stared at him. His jaw was set, lips in a thin line and nostrils flaring. You met his gaze, better described would be glare, noticing that the fear you thought would’ve been present, wasn’t.  _

_ “Shit”, even though you hadn't been the one to say it, you had the same thought. Steve had woken up from the same daze you’d been in and you noticed him taking a step towards you. Immediately the Soldier's eyes snapped to look at the man who now advanced towards him. Seeing his attention stray from you, you tried to escape his grip, but it was futile as his strength was far greater than yours. _

_ “Bucky, please snap out of it”, it was Steve who now spoke to him, yet as knowing it wouldn't work, he continued inching closer. He hadn't stood far away, so soon he was within reach from the two of you and without hesitation, he gripped the Soldier's metal arm. It was a try to pray it from yours, but instead of letting go of your hand, the brunette released your knee.  _

_ While he tried fending of Steve with one arm, you jumped from the bed, feeling panic rush through your body. You couldn't do anything to tear away from the Soldier, neither could Steve try to overpower his equal in fear of hurting you in the process. Though the moment he began to raise himself from the bed, the blonde knew he needed to act. _

_ Steve shot you a hasty look, before trying to pin the Soldier down onto the bed by his shoulder, furthering anchoring him with a knee at the side of his hip. The action had you sway forward, closer to the two men, before you felt the grip falter. Your eyes switched from watching them to the metal shining around your wrist and you took the chance. With one last tug, you tore away. _

_ Immediately you saw the Soldier noticing this, a wild look being thrown your way as his hair whipped by the action. You backed away as Steve now climbed into the bed to fully restrain him from getting up. He began trashing against his holds, growl leaving him while an angered look was shot up at Steve. _

_ Frozen for a second, you only watched the scene before you. Both parts struggled, yet you noticed that when nothing held Bucky back, he could overpower Steve, especially, when his metal arm was dangerously close to getting free from its hold. Seeing this, triggered you to move.  _

_ You rushed to the other side of the bed, mind racking trough itself to come up with something to do, that was until his wild eyes met yours once more. Rage set them aflame in an intimidating way, yet somehow you saw something you recognised in them, something panicked. _

_ It was then you locked your hands on both sides of his face, forcing him to continue to watch you. Although his strength was far greater than yours, he couldn’t fend off both yours and Steve’s restraints at the same time. _

_ “Bucky, goddammit!” You blurted out when he made a snapping action towards your wrists with his teeth. But you continued to hold his face so he watched you. You felt a tear trickled down your cheek, the sob wanting to escape when seeing him like this, though it only came out in a broken whisper. “Come back to me”. _

_ His eyes followed the tear and you saw how his eyes, which earlier seemed to be clouded over, cleared up. His body relaxed, to which Steve eased his grip for a second, although not trusting the shift. You continued to meet Bucky’s gaze and saw the confusion surface and then the fear. He shied away from your hand, pressing himself into the mattress violently. You noticed that your mass to a friend reacted by tightening his grip again. _

_ “Get off of him Steve”, you saw him hesitate and a protest about to leave him. “Come on Rogers, trust me”, you huffed out. Although hesitant, he climbed off, standing at the other side of the bed, watchfully looking. You paid it no mind, continuing to try to move towards the brunette. _

_ “Bucky…”. _

_ “No”, his voice was coarse from the screams, but it was no problem hearing the plea in his voice.  _

_ “Hey, hey it’s okay”, you made your voice even softer to try to console him, slowly sitting down, checking how he would react to the gesture. He didn’t shy away, but you noticed he flinched a bit at the action. He didn’t look at you, instead of at his hands clasped in his lap. _

_ “Please look at me”, you urged him, to which he obeyed. As soon his gaze met yours, you recognised the watery look of someone who was on the verge of crying. “Oh Bucky”, you couldn’t stop yourself from reaching out and touch his shoulder.  _

_ “No, I’m dangerous”, he said, looking horrified at your gesture. From the corner of your eye, you saw Steve dropped his gaze, a deep furrow between his brows. _

_ “Bucky, listen to me”, you earned his attention as he looked at you. “Steve is dangerous, I am dangerous”, you didn’t hear the waver on your voice as you talked to Bucky, but Steve did.  _

_ He watched you speak with his friend, trying to convince him to trust, not only you but himself as well. Though your words fell away as he listened, he noticed the hidden turmoil lacing your voice when you said you were dangerous. Although Bucky only thought it was reassurance, he knew it was true, to such extent that he knew you even could be a threat to him. _

_ “Everyone is dangerous, no matter who they are. But you have Steve and me…”, you trailed off in the end because of his gaze. It was heavy with the emotions swirling in them, something which made you need to collect yourself. Taking a deep breath, you continued. “We are always here for you”. You glanced back at Steve, seeing how he took a deep breath as well, rubbing the tenseness out of his face. Though when he looked at you again, a gentle smile adorned his face, yet before you could reciprocate it, something lunged into you.  _

_ Shocked you turned around to face Bucky, though by encircling your waist he had pulled you close enough that his face rested in the crook of your neck. You felt his ragged breath fan over the area, goosebumps spreading across the spaces it reached.  _

_ Hesitantly you returned the gesture, feeling the contrast between hot and cold become more apparent. Where your fingers touched his skin, it was bordering boiling, while the dampness of the shirt was chill against your arms. _

_ At first, you sat there, feeling how his breathing slowed down from the laboured state it had been before. The way he clutched you eased, as his arms ended up to be loosely draped around you instead. If it hadn't been for the movement in your peripheral, you would probably not have moved either.  _

_ Looking over your shoulder, you saw that Steve had uncrossed his arms and it seemed a sense of peace overcome him. He looked calmly at you, smiling as he mouthed a question to not disturb the harmony. Will you manage? You only gave him a short nod as an answer. He confirmed your answer with a similar gesture before taking his departure. _

_ You couldn't see him exiting the door, but you heard it close and turned towards the man holding you. It seemed Bucky didn't notice the sound, or perhaps the way he drew you closer while sitting more upright, making him taller than you, was his way of reacting. You started to draw circles on his back and you felt rather than heard, his sigh. Though you didn't want to disturb him, you felt how his sweat-drenched shirt started to leave a mark on yours too. _

_ “Hey, should we get you cleaned up a bit?” You felt the minimal nod and smiled as he detangled himself from you. “Come on then”, you stood up from the bed, his hand founding one of yours as he followed you to the bathroom. The smile which you’ve sported since he engulfed you in a hug, continued to exist when he trailed behind you. You stopped at the entrance of the bathroom, looking back to see him watching you. _

_ “Go on in, I at least have the decency to let you shower by yourself”, while your smile turned into a smirk, the first smile for the night made it onto his. “Do you have clothes?” _

_ “Yes”, he answered while reluctantly letting go of your hand, stopping at the threshold to the bathroom. Your nod was what made him take the final step and also close the door behind him. _

_ You trusted that he would do what he needed, so you turned around, staring at the mess of his bed again. Something must be done to that, you thought, starting to search the room to find what you wanted.  _

_ Changing his bedding went quickly and while you were in the middle of stuffing the last pillowcase, you heard something behind you. Looking over your shoulder, you saw him stand there, having emerged from the bathroom and his shower. He had redressed, shirt crisply white instead of see-through and instead of only boxers, he now had chosen a pair of shorts as well. His hair was only half-dried, some droplets of water falling on his shirt while he stood and watched you. _

_ “I’m soon done, so you can make yourself ready to rest…”. _

_ “No”, he cut you off, though knowing why he reacted the way he did, you only went back to fixing the pillowcase while answering. _

_ “You don’t need to sleep, just rest”, you didn’t hear him come closer, something you had come to notice was impossible with him, but you felt him do so. You knew by how he didn't touch you that he still stood a respectable distance away even though he was close. Not until the last pillow joined the rest, did you turned around to meet him.  _

_ "So everything is ready”, as he glanced to the side, you started to take a step away from him, ready to leave him to not disturb further, though that was when you felt the light grip on your wrist. It was different from the last time, as it almost didn't feel as if he touched you. Although that you couldn't retain from flexing your hand from the sting that came from touching the sore area. Pushing it away you turned around, seeing Bucky stand there with his gaze cast down. You recognised his demeanour, it was like the first time he had wanted to ask you a question but didn't dare. _

_ “Remember our agreement Bucky, you can ask whatever questions you want”. _

_ “Can you stay?” He was bigger than you in every way, yet it felt like he was a shy boy from how he asked the question, which made a genuine smile part your lips. _

_ “Of course”, hiding the nervousness you felt when he also smiled, you followed him and while he crept up under the covers, you laid on top of them. His head tipped upwards, brows quirked as he silently questioned your choice of seating. _

_ “You need to at least take me out on dinner before I join you under the covers, Buck”, you chuckled and although he shook his head a small, amused, smile lighted up his features. You felt a warmth spread in your chest and couldn't stop your next words. “Come here”, you gently enveloped his shoulders, drawing him close to you. Instantly he rested his head on your stomach, while one arm was slung over your hips, gently cradling the opposite side. Your hand found the back of his neck and you started to play with the strands there. A deep breath pushed his chest closer to your body before he let it go and moulded to fit even snugglier against you. _

Tilting your head backwards, _ it came to rest against his bed-frame. The soft material, his warmth and the sight of him at ease made you relax. Enough for both of you to fall asleep.  _


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A movie night with the team. Bucky remembering that one time in the gym. What could go wrong?

“Hey Y/N!” The call of your name made you stop midsentence in the conversation with Nat. It was hard to not recognise the voice even if you tried not to, so when turning around, you weren't surprised seeing Tony enter the room with a grin.

“Tony, are you gonna let me eat my cereal in peace or have you made Pepper angry and need my help?” You questioned him, though quickly continuing to stop his train of thought when noticing a glint entering his eyes. “It’s no to whatever you were going to say by the way!”.

“Oh, don’t break an old man’s heart”, the billionaire put a hand on his chest as he came to stand beside you.

“That’s Peppers job, you know that”, you smirked at him.

“That one hit the mark”.

“That’s the only thing I do”, you winked at him. While chuckling at your comment, he leaned against the countertop beside you. This enabled you to swivel forward once more on the barstool and still be able to see him when he continued speaking.

“What I was going to ask, were if you ladies are going to join the movie night tonight?” He asked, looking between you and Nat. With a quick glance towards the redhead, you noticed she had quirked a brow.

“Why are you asking us so early, or even at all?” You nodded in agreement to the spy, because usually if you had movie nights they weren't planned, you only set a date every now and then and those who came they came. 

Wondering what the sudden urge of personal invitations came from, you expectantly looked at Tony, waiting for his answer. Though, before he was able to give one, he shifted his eyes to look over your shoulder. That was the moment you heard light footsteps echo in the common room, a pair you’d come to recognise as Steve’s. 

Mimicking the billionaire's action, you glanced over your shoulder, getting pleasantly surprised when not only seeing the blonde man, but also Bucky. He looked healthier now, as the shadows dancing across his features had disappeared. He even walked straighter then you remembered, shoulders rolled back as if he wasn't trying to hide anymore.

You smiled at the change, happy that he had found some of his confidence once more. You knew you weren't the only one, as Steve sometimes even joked that the brunette got more and more like his old self. If it hadn't been for the times you dragged Steve with you to the museum, you wouldn't have heard about the self-assured and charming man Bucky once was.

Though he previously sparsely made the comparison, the last week's progression for the brunette made him unable to not hold them back. You understood why, as Steve had confided in you that one of his underlying fears was that Bucky wouldn't get better. And now seeing how much better he'd become, you guessed it was something he couldn't really retain from doing. However, you saw how the joke affected the former soldier. At first glance, perhaps his smile and chuckle could be seen as agreement or gentle denial, though you saw that his smile always was hallow and eyes filled with something you only could describe as strain. But, at the moment, you could not see any of those things in either men's eyes, the way the pair walked towards you behaving like young boys.

“Good morning”, Steve’s voice made you concentrate on him, instead of jumping between the two. You smiled and nodded as an answer, thus at the same moment did you realise both of them were wearing gym clothes, sweat lining the fabric as well as their foreheads. How could you forget? The pair usually took a run early in the morning to not be disturbed by loads of people, Steve's way of widening Bucky's comfortable circle.

“There’s your answer sweetheart, those  _ two _ gramps is joining us tonight, so I thought we would get everyone together”, shocked you looked at Tony, your surprise probably written all over your face as he smiled victoriously. He had caught you off guard when insinuating both Steve  _ and _ Bucky would come. Because even though he's been in the tower for a little more than three months and your talking sessions wasn’t as frequent anymore, you wouldn't have guessed he felt comfortable joining the team on events like this just yet. But, you need to admit you saw the time coming, sooner rather than later. Thus the timid conversationist Bucky had been a few weeks ago, was not as present anymore. The small talk went easy with most people on the team, even if it was few times he started them.

You guessed why Tony was so keen on bringing the whole team together, team activities, as well as parties, had been on an all-time low. It was mainly because of an agreement you and Steve, together with some of the other therapist, set with Tony. No bigger crowds then necessary should visit the tower until the former soldier felt comfortable with it.

You had joked it could serve as a few sobriety months for the billionaire, a thing he said he could agree on if it meant he could throw another donation gala once Bucky was good enough. It had made you cringe, but you couldn't but shrug out a  _ sure _ .

“They will?” You questioned echoed, throwing a quick glance over your shoulder at the two soldiers still quite the distance away but fast approaching. They seemed engrossed in their own conversation, so naturally, you thought they wouldn't hear your own. However, Bucky did and though he continued the discussion about today's run, he felt the urge to intrude on  _ your _ talk with the billionaire.

He'd caught the way Tony had called you sweetheart, he even felt like he stood to close to you while leaning on the countertop. Yet he felt the only reassurance of the man's close proximity, came from you, as you seemed unbothered when you had looked back at him. As the majority of his concentration was on your conversation, his own with Steve became strained.

“Hey Buck”, snapping out of his daze of looking at you he focused on Steve. “Better not keep burning holes into the back of Stark’s head”, he continued in a whisper, a chuckle following the smile he already sported when the brunette clenched his jaw. He felt an embarrassment, similar to the time when something gritted in him when debating whether you and Steve had been a couple or not. 

He remembers how much it had made him frown, the way the two of you could read each other so well and how different you acted in the other's company compared to others. He would argue that was the main reason he began observing you. However, though he found countless things about you that didn't add up, yet felt oddly familiar, he never could deduce if you and Steve were more then friends. That was until  _ that _ one time in the gym, where he couldn't have gotten a more obvious answer.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

_ He waited on Steve to arrive, though since he had entered the gym and taken his place on a bench, your's and Nat's sparring was what occupied his attention.  _

_ As he observed you, he came to erase the conclusion that your training had gone on for a shorter period than the rest of the team. Thus if it had, you wouldn't be able to move the way you did now, light on your feet, eyes tracking Nat for her next move. Looking down at his clasped hands, he felt his grip on your weren't clear. _

_ He sat pondering what made you distinctly different from the rest until he felt someone looking at him. As soon as he raised his gaze, he met yours. The exhaustion from your training was evident, as your eyes didn't hold the same alert glint as they usually did.  _

_ He knew as soon as your eyes kept being locked with his, that your concentration had wandered too much. Directly afterwards, he was proved right. As in one moment, you were standing, but in the next, you fell towards the matt. He noticed a pained expression pass your features as soon as you connected with the floor. One he presumed came from your wrists which had taken the majority of the impact.  _

_ ”You need to concentrate”, he needed to stop himself from chuckling at the jab sent your way, needing to look down to not let the sound escape.  _

_ As he heard the exclaim of a question, he couldn't help the smile latching onto his lips, especially as he continued listening to the spy's answer. However, when a new voice entered the discussion, he couldn't help but raise his head again. _

_ ”You can’t make yourself fall for her like that”, he saw Steve walk into the gym, attention turned towards where you had manoeuvred to sit instead of lay on the floor. _

_ ”I'm gonna use that one towards you next time”, he heard you huff. _

_ "You need to take me down first", he noticed a shift in your face, a quirked brow, when the blonde said this. _

_ "You know I'm able to". _

_ "All too well", he followed Steve's hand as he stretched it out for you to take, helping you to stand, all while his mind reeled at the dialogue the two of you just had. He didn't know how to interpret it. Could there be a hidden meaning, one that couldn't be said in a space like this, only insinuated? Or could he simply be overthinking your interaction? _

_ "Should I leave you guys to the showdown or?" Intentionally, or unintentionally he continued listening to the conversation. _

_ "Although I owe you since last week, I have my own session to go to", his eyes switched from looking at Steve and the smile he sported, to you. You shifted and immediately his attention on you was cut short as his friend looked his way, eyebrows knit together.  _

_ He didn't look elsewhere when Steve studied him, or at least that was what he thought he did form his rapid eye movement. Neither did he when he saw the blonde's lips move, yet what in the end defeated him was when you answered, though still not looking his way. He watched you partake in a short conversation, all while not looking towards him, but up at the blonde. Your discussion was silent enough he couldn't hear a thing of what you said, so instead, he hung his head. Feeling how strands of his hair fell forward, shielding his face. What could you have talked about? Why had your eyes been locked at Steve and not his ways like the rest? _

_ What brought him out of his nagging thoughts was the sound of footsteps. When he looked up, he noticed it was Steve coming closer, the blonde having a calm albeit amused expression on his face. _

_ “Didn’t know you for being such a charmer”, he stated, unknowing why the words even left him in the first place, as Steve was close enough to hear, even without their standards. _

_ “Ain’t my job, always been yours”, Bucky scoffed, although couldn't help a smile and a shake of his head to happen. After that, he didn't wait for the question if he was ready to start their training. _

_ During the whole time they warmed up for their spar, he was always conscious of you and the spy in the other end of the gym. Instead of leaving the two of you had engrossed in a conversation. Like before he couldn't hear it and by the distance, he knew he should've been able to usually, which meant that you both purposely had lowered your voices. Though, unlike before, he was able to catch a few words, mainly as your voice had been raised. _

_ "Distraction". _

_ "Piss off".  _

_ Bucky felt something tug his lips when he in the corner of his eyes saw you shove her. The spy wasn’t that affected, she merely looked at you, But then suddenly, her eyes flickered to look over your shoulder, her eyes stopping on him. Before the thought of even turning to look at her himself, he noticed a smile spread on her lips before she swiftly looked back at you. Whatever purpose she had done it for, the short moment she had watched him was enough. He didn't think much of it, trying to concentrate on the coming session with Steve, though that became impossible when he heard you loudly exclaim. _

_ Both Steve and Bucky hastily look towards you, puzzled about your sudden outburst. He saw how you, before turning to them burned holes in the spy's head. Something close enough to a grimace conveyed your features, though it disappeared when Steve asked his question. _

_ “You staying?” He heard your answer while walking past the two of them, you would stay and do a few things. He was glad you did, although not in his eyesight, thus he knew it would be hard to concentrate if that had been the case. _

_ Steve's and his sparring began as soon as you headed into further into the gym. Bucky felt it was going good as he’d been the victor in most matches. The same moment they had begun a new round, he saw you emerging once more, only to stop at the machine closest to them. You were in no harms way when you uncaringly of them started evenly piling weights on either side of the pole. He didn’t think much of it until you began the exercise. You squatted, small puffs of breath starting to leave you, then grunts at the last sets came. The same moment he understood he'd made the same mistake as you, to divide his attention, he felt the matt connect with his back.  _

_ “Shouldn’t I be your primary focus at the moment?” Steve smirked down at him, his voice had been faint, but he still prayed you didn’t hear what he said. _

_ ”You boys doing good?” Bucky looked your way. He saw you standing up and leaning at the padded part of the machine, eyes switching between him and Steve. He remembered he was on the floor when he heard a chuckle from above, though it was Steve's answer that made him shot up. _

_ ”Yeah yeah, only minor distractions that’s all”, he restrained his urge to throw Steve down into the matt. _

_ ”Sure, play safe don’t want anyone of you to get hurt”. _

_ ”You don’t want to join us?” Bucky felt he was at his last strand to tackle Steve to the ground now, his fingers itching to do so, the only thing stopping him was your next words. _

_ ”No not really, I would be pinned to the matt more than standing up if going up against any of you”, the same second his eyes snapped from Steve to you, the image entered his mind. Goddamit, he internally swore. _

_ While his mind spiralled, he heard your excuse in the distance although it wasn't until Bucky saw you near the exit he looked up. In the same moment, he saw you halt and turn around, a perplexed expression on your face. At first, he hadn't understood why at least not until his brain caught up with him and remembered the word he had called out. Scrambling for anything else then what was on his thought previously and had made him call out "later", he blurted out the next thing coming up. _

_ “Talking session?” He felt how the questioned sounded strained, but it seemed you didn’t catch on to that as you smiled while answering him. Before disappearing, he noticed you nodded goodbye to Steve, who possibly saw you over his shoulder. _

_ The moment you were out of sight, Bucky raised a hand to rub his face, sigh rattling out as he thanked God for his narrow escape. Though as he turned around, he was met by a grinning Steve.  _

_ “I think the last time you acted like this was when you fancied Dot", he had laughter in his voice as he said it. _

_ "I don't fancy her", he quickly deflected the suggestion that he did with you, feeling how his heart picked up its pace enough for it to bang against his ribcage. While Bucky fiddled with his fingers, Steve tipped his head to the side, arching an eyebrow at the brunettes clearly readable display. _

_ "If you say so", he said, walking back to ready his stance for the next sparring round, Bucky doing the same. Although before the session began, the blonde man said. "You're just lucky she ain't got a man already when your eyes follow her as they do".  _

_ The sentence caught him off guard, enough that Steve got the upper hand quickly. But his thoughts could only concentrate on one thing. The two of you weren't together. _

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

You’d gotten it confirmed that Steve and Bucky would be joining the movie night. Steve you weren’t surprised by, he usually joined in, on the other hand, it would be Bucky’s first time. You’d praised him for it, genuine happiness in your voice at another one of his steps of getting comfortable with crowds. 

However, your reaction had earned you a bugging from Tony, as he continuously asked why he rarely got comments of praise like that from you. In the end, you’d silenced him by saying that he already had a girlfriend for that and if you also would compliment him, his already too big ego would explode.  _ I would die happy  _ was the statement that made you slap him in his chest, both Nat and Steve chuckling at your antics. Bucky, however, only gave a smile.

The former soldier was still bothered by how close you and Stark seemed to be. However, what pulled him from his annoyance was the words you just said. _ You already have a girlfriend for that.  _ Most possible, you didn't notice the way you said it nor how it made something stir inside him. He thought he had the feeling under control, but when you turned to him and said  _ 'you shouldn't listen to the joker beside you _ ', he slipped up.  _ Sure don't do doll.  _

He caught himself saying it aloud and bit his lip afterwards as if it would help him take back his words. However, the sudden fright he got when first uttering them, melted away when he received a heartwarming smile from you.

As Tony once more said something worthy of your glare and wit, which in fact made him put his arms up in defence, Bucky felt Steve's eyes on him. Glancing towards his friends slightly, he noticed the knowing look from him. He knew if you hadn't been there, the blonde would've said the words he wanted aloud, yet at the moment he didn't need to hear them, as they were expressed in his face.

“Punk”, Bucky muttered under his breath and knew the owner of the nickname would hear it without any problem. And indeed had he been correct, as a silent chuckle ripple through Steve.

"Well, its time for me to leave this merry gathering, as I have other business to attend", Tony suddenly clapped his hand, making both super soldiers look towards him. As Bucky did, he noticed you already had raised an eyebrow at the retreating billionaire.

“Don’t make planning a movie-night sound like such a business meeting”, you called after him, making everyone, including the man it was directed to, laugh. 

"I think its time we start making our way too, even though we have a better excuse then Stark", Nat then said, making you pick up your bowl of cereal that had stood untouched since Tony entered.

"You probably right, even though I wished I could skip today's training", you muttered the last part while placing the utensils in the dishwasher. "See you boys tonight then", you waved goodbye to the soldiers overtaking your places, both answering in their own fashion.

Though Steve and Bucky stayed for longer having their breakfast, the two of them had made plans to meet up with Sam later so soon enough they also left the common-room. After a quick change of clothes, the pair headed down to wait in the lounge outside of the gym. To Bucky's disappointment, he hadn't been able to catch a glimpse of your training, as it seemed you and Nat was done long before the came.

“Maybe you should take one of your questions to just ask her if she wants to train with you”, Bucky had aimlessly stared through the gym entrance, studying the same scene over and over. However, at Steves proposition, he turned towards him brows furrowed. Though even before he had thought of an answer a voice cut in.

“Train with who?” Both of them turned to see Sam walking towards them.

“No one”, Bucky didn’t bother uncrossing his arms as he stood up, starting to head into the training area.

“What kind of answer is that?” The two men walked behind Bucky, Sam giving Steve a questioning look which he only smirked and shrugged at. “Oh, I’m going to get the answer out of you!” Sam exclaimed as soon he understood that he brunette walking in front of him hid something, enough for the captain to even tease. When hearing Sam's excitement and knowing he would need to withstand his pestering about the subject, Bucky groaned.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

Last time you had seen Bucky, he seemed to have been energised after his morning jog, though now you couldn't say the same. Thus when he'd walked in between Steve and Sam, who seemed to have joined them sometime during the day, he looked like he would be able to sleep through the whole night. Although you guessed it wasn't only from their midday training session, at least not if Sam's cheerful attitude was anything to go by. 

You bit your lip to try and contain a chuckle, as you knew almost no one could rile the brunette up the way he could. You weren't surprised about the fact, especially not since Bucky and Sam had become the closest pair beside Steve and him, perhaps even yourself and the former soldier.

“Hi psycho”, the voice made you snap out of your thoughts and momentarily you broke your eye contact with the man to roll your eyes at his greeting. 

“Nice to have you here to Wilson. Do you have the suit on, just in case I would attempt to throw you out of the window?” He laughed at your comeback.

“Nice to meet you as always”, he hugged you when close enough, your interaction being closely watched by Bucky. When he let you out of your brief hug, you looked behind him, eyes switching between the two soldiers.

“And how are you, gents?” Steve smiled at your wording, noticing the way you almost stood on the ball of your feet, buzzing.

“What made you get into such a good mood?” He chuckled.

“Oh just got some revenge on Nat, made her introduce herself to the matt more times then I did this time”, you smiled stupidly, the content visible on you face.

“Stop bragging as if you didn’t fall on your arse as well”, you heard Nat call from further into the room, making you chuckle. “I’ll make you regret doing it next time!”

“Come at me!” You laughed back. Bucky looked at you, he never thought he’d seen you so at ease and genuinely happy. As you looked back to him and the others, smile still not fading, you cocked your head to explain them to follow you.

As you led them into the room, Steve and Sam by your side while Bucky walked slightly behind, he admired you. You were lazily clad, hair untouched but falling in natural beauty. He almost forgot to look around the room he went into, but it didn’t go unnoticed. It was like a more spacious, but a comfier, common-room without any other necessities needed then to watch a movie. He thought he saw a table in one corner with a popcorn machine on it and with the scent in the air, he guessed he hadn't mistaken it. 

As his eyes tracked the couches, he noticed most already had taken their seat, though one lounging place was left. It was the one furthest back and it was more than able to fit the three of them remaining. As he sat down, he noticed Natasha sitting on the couch in front of them. The remaining space of the couch seemed to be occupied as well and when he saw your hoodie thrown over an armrest, he got the answer about who. 

“You guys want anything? It’ll be a few more minutes before the first movie starts, so I can get you something”, he turned his head to you, standing and ready to walk over to the countertop with snacks.

“You know what I prefer, as long as it is sweet”, Sam answered and Steve said he could come with you and help, ever the gentleman. Expectantly you looked at Bucky, waiting for his answer.

“I’ll be fine”, you smiled and nodded, you and Steve heading off in your hunt to retrieve the snacks.

“Keep looking at her like that and it ain’t me she’ll throw out of the window”, he heard the teasing from beside him and turned to see Sam take a seat as well. He tried glaring at him but knew it was useless as the man had been able to pry the answer out of him earlier and in no way would let it go.

“Oh throwing him out is the last thing she would”, Natasha had turned around, her arm resting on the back of the couch as she looked at him. Sam had broken out in laughter when hearing it, while Bucky felt his cheeks beginning to tint.  _ Since when had he started to react like this? _ He slumped down against the armrest, mindlessly staring at your taken spot diagonally from him. 

“Hey, catch!” His instinct made him look up, although when he saw you didn’t aim for him, he tried relaxing. What you’d thrown was a bag of mixed sweats towards Sam, one he caught effortlessly. Once looking inside it, his face lit up. 

“You know me too well”.

“Hard to not when you keep bugging me about my taste in candy”, you waved him off. Then you turned to him, handing over a small cone of popcorn. “Thought you at least would snack on something and seeing as you ain’t that familiar to the rest of the things on the table I thought traditional popcorn would suit”, he took the cone, uttering a small thanks thinking your concern almost were unnecessary. You smiled back, heading towards your own seat. Steve, in his turn, walked past Bucky, sitting down in the middle of the couch.

“Did you tell her?” Steve turned to look at him, Sam too busy indulging in his sweets to do the same. 

“Tell her what?” Steve dumbly repeated which made Bucky wave the cone, pointing out his all-time favourite movie snack in his hand. Steve raised his eyebrows, a smile tugging his lips upwards although he still only shrugged as an answer. A few moments of tranquillity went by, most having their own conversation or eating their snacks, before Clint standing the furthest down in the room called.

“Hey Y/N! It’s gonna be a historical action movie, right up your alley!”

“Oh stop bugging me about it!” You called back, earning a glance from Bucky, which then looked at his blonde friend a silent question what the conversation was about.

“She’s a big fan of history”, he answered silently, so you wouldn’t hear. “She even dragged me along to the exhibition about myself once, not to forget you”, he continued with a chuckle. Bucky knew that you’d gotten to know from Steve who he was, but he never thought that you would pull  _ the _ Captain America along to his own part of the museum to get a private tour. As Steve had told him this, the arguing continued back and forth between you and Clint, earning more ears by the minute, including his own.

“It’s me and the fossils then!” You hollered back, what you answered unknown to Bucky, though he didn't miss your finger jutting back at him and Steve. 

“Well ain’t my problem you have a kink for older men”, before Bucky even had a chance to comprehend the sentence, a pillow was thrown with deadly accuracy down towards Clint. He caught it, although not without it smacking him in the chest first. It was then you looked back, an apologising expression on your face. He found himself laughing lowly to it, equal amount by surprise of what just had been said, but also the small blush covering your cheeks.

At your remark, Bucky remembered the time you had asked what his interest was and he'd said history and science. Though you had asked him the question of why on both, he'd noticed your eyes lit up when the subject of history was delved further into.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a little longer update for you guys and I'm just saying, shit is going down.

Rumours had begun to spread why the infamous Tony Stark hadn’t hosted one of his parties in such a long time, only attended others. However, as soon as he went public that he would finally host a banquette the rumours silenced. 

You couldn't but snicker that society simply thought the billionaire had gone radio silent for no reason. But how could you blame them, compared to you they didn't know Bucky had joined the team, neither that the sudden clearance he gave Tony, abled him to throw the welcoming party he'd wanted to for over half a year. 

Ever since you'd gotten to know it would happen, the excitement on the billionaire's face was impossible to miss. Although you knew the former soldier's allowance wasn't the only thing putting him in a good mood, the tiniest bit of triumph also played a part in it. Thus, when you'd shrugged in agreement at Tony's wager that if he stayed sober, he could in secrecy turn the party into a donation gala, you hadn't thought he would make it.

But here you stood, months later with a billionaire who supposedly hadn't touched an ounce of liquor since that day. Even though you doubted he actually had managed, there wasn't anything strengthening your case, so you didn't have any other option than to agree.

Your resentment wasn't that you didn't like the donations, you had been the one bringing it up to Tony in the beginning after all. However, with Bucky on the team  _ and _ staying in the tower, you couldn't deny you were fearful of the attention it could bring. From others or even himself. 

Sighing harshly at your thoughts, you threw your phone against one of the pillows beside you on the couch. You sat in the common-room because Pepper had proposed the idea you should go with her and Nat to look for a dress to the occasion. You were excited about it, as you hadn't dolled up in a long time, yet that wasn't the reason for your nerves. Something about this festivity, in particular, irked you. Mainly as something in the back of your mind whispered things wouldn't go as smoothly as the planning you had done with Pepper and Tony suggested. 

“Y/N, what are you doing here?” The sudden voice made you snap your head up, thrown off by the fact you hadn't noticed either of the men entering the common-room. Hence across from your slumped form in one couch, Steve and Bucky stood behind the back of the other. 

"Waiting for the girls, we're going to look for dresses for Saturday", you answered as soon as you found the blonde's eyes. You saw his brows slightly lift with recognition of your answer, though a crease settled between them shortly after.

“Right”, he muttered, while switching to look at the man standing beside him. “Perhaps time we also start looking for something ourselves”, Bucky made a half nod, something you smiled at when noticing a few strands of his hair falling into his face.

“Perhaps I should do something to this then”, with a movement you couldn't describe as anything but pent up frustration, he tugged his lose hair to tuck behind his ears. Though he'd cut it since coming here, evening out the sharp and dulled edges, his hair had already reached its former length. 

You didn't know why your imagination started to run wild at his words. Tracing back to a particular memory, one carrying the sensation of running your fingers through his strands to calm him.

“No you shouldn’t”, you burst out, the surprise on his face similar to the one you felt.  _ Why had you said that? _ As your eyes flickered over him, gazes catching more than a few times, you felt your body heat. Scrambling for an answer, less embarrassing than the one your thoughts offered, you blurted out. "You look good in it", you wanted to smack yourself in the face, as you could pretty much have said what already was on your thoughts. At least it would've been a more dignifying compliment.

“Sure doll", Bucky chuckled, a smile tugging his lips as he continued. "I’ll keep it for you”, the moment the words reached you, your jaw clenched and you felt your eyes widen somewhat. Thankfully though, before a long pause could dawn, one you ungracefully would've handled, the pair you'd waited for decided to enter the room.

“Hello, Steve, Bucky”, Pepper greeted them. In the sound of her voice, you let out a sigh. "Are you ready to go?” the strawberry blonde women continued, watching as you stood up from the couch.

"Sure am", you murmured. It seemed something in your answer caught her attention, as she started to scan your appearance. Though she were no spy, she was a hell of a person to read situations. Thus, the moment you saw her eyes glimmer and her gaze travelled to the soldiers, you understood she realised what caused your flushed state.

“Perhaps we should invite the gentleman to our fitting, I think they could give some reasonable opinions”, times like this you understood why Tony had chosen Pepper as his women. In times like this, you also understood your reasoning of picking up a gun once more. Hence her comment caused you to choke on air, immediately getting Bucky's attention. Feeling your eyes widened enough to show an emotion you rather would hide, you looked down, watching how you alternated weight on your feet.

“Well... least one would be in decent enough shape to actually give some input”, you heard the whisper in your ear from Nat, head shooting up as you scowled at her. As an answer, she only smirked, knowing your thoughts trailed down the same road as they always did when she teased you about Bucky. 

“Maybe we could, but we’re in our own hurry to find our clothing, so we wish you the best of luck”, your eyes switched from the redhead to instead look at Steve, his own shifting from you to Pepper the same moment. You didn't know if he'd noticed, or worse, heard the exchange with the spy, but you were grateful for his answer nonetheless.

“Very well, I think Tony arranged a tailor to come here today and wanted me to inform you about it”, she smiled towards them before turning to face you. "We should get going".

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

The advantage of having Pepper Potts with you when shopping, was both Tony Starks credit card and her knowledge of the best stores in New York. Though you needed to give credit to Happy as well because if he hadn't been able to drive you to the locations, there was no way you would've managed to make it to them. However, you felt bad for him now. Hence looking at your reflection in from mirror in the dressing room, of the last store, you understood that neither this shop would be the one. 

You couldn't deny the maroon dress was beautiful, but you weren't able to say it was  _ the _ one. It was good you understood this yourself and didn't need to show the women on the other side of the curtains, thus sparing yourself their comments.  _ If you aimed to impress Steve, you would succeed. Sadly, that isn't her goal. _

You wouldn't say you got upset by their teasing but rather tried neglecting the truth behind it. You hadn't stated it aloud, but you knew Nat, most possibly even Steve, had noticed early on that you cared for Bucky in a way you didn't with anyone else.

_ Your rough edges are turning soft.  _ You'd caught Steve saying that to Bucky someday after the movie night. And though the words weren't directed at you, you felt them score a home run, because that was how it felt. During his months here, you needed to near the man in a different way you then often did with others and it changed you. It felt freeing, though now when you'd decided on making the donations, your previous unstable mind returned. Remainders of your past and the reason you hesitated on helping Bucky from the beginning, hung over you like a storm cloud.

“Y/N, are you done?” Nat called from outside, startling you out of your haze.

“Yeah yeah one moment”, you answered while quickly starting to change, attempting to hide the antsiness you felt creeping up once more. 

It didn't take long to slip out of the dress and as soon as you exited, you saw Pepper talking to the staff, although the pair silenced as they noticed you. "Nothing?" The strawberry blonde women asked to which you shook your head to before elaborating.

"Sadly none of them felt right", you smiled apologetically to the women beside Pepper, though compared to the expression you thought would meet you, you got the opposite.

"No worries Miss, but I talked to Miss Potts and if you want to, there's a dress available, one the public hasn't seen yet I may add, that you can try".

"I don't see a reason to why not", the clerk smiled brightly before excusing herself to fetch the piece. In her absence, Pepper walked over to the sofa Nat already was seated in.

"Though I don't mind this shopping spree, it would be nice finding your dress from here as well, makes the deliveries easier", she hummed as she sat down beside the spy. She examined the space and dresses around her until her eyes landed on you once more. "Then I'm also sure the dress your soldier would like the most exists here, out of any place we'll visit".

"If you're referring to Steve, then I already tried that one..."

"But you know I ain't referring to him", a smile graced her lips and you bit your cheek as a one spread on your own, head shaking all the while.

"It seems like no one refers to him nowadays", you lowered your head with a chuckle, before raising it again looking at Nat. "Did you tell her?"

"You haven't even told me anything, so what would I be able to tell her?" Nat shot back, making you roll your eyes.

"I don't need much more than my own eyes to understand something is going on, but to defend Nat in this discussion, it was Tony who mentioned it".

"Tony?" You echoed, raising your brows which elected a snicker from Pepper.

"Not so unbelievable when I tell you he speaks about how he feels the way Bucky is burning holes into him every time he's close to you. Especially this last week when he's seen you more at Tony's side than his own".

"Oh god, he's acting more like a guard dog than a soldier", Nat laughed, the women beside her following along in agreement.

"Tony could be exaggerating it", you stated, trying to not let the words lit the fire of hope inside you.

"Perhaps he could", collecting herself Pepper shrugged, the other redheaded women doing the same. As she looked at you, she saw your brows had pulled together. "Though he wasn't the only one witnessing Bucky drape a blanket over you when you'd fallen asleep on the movie night", at that comment, you truly felt your body heat. You remember waking up by the light shake of Nat when most of the team had retreated, but never questioned how you ended up wrapped in a blanket as you sleepily brought it with you back to your room.

"Here it is, sorry for the wait!" The sudden voice of the store owner brought your attention from the smiles of your friends to the dress the women hurried closer with. "It isn't fitted of course, but if you find yourself liking it we can do the changes needed", she handed you the piece, its texture cooling against your fingers as you took it. Without much more than a  _ thank you _ and  _ absolutely _ , you retreated inside the dressing room.

As you started to change you eyed the dress, noticing how it didn't look like the other, in your opinion, overworked high-end fashion pieces in the store. The black silk was sparsely adorned, the way the fabric had been sewn the only details.

Putting it on felt like heaven, the heat burning your body from the previous conversation was cooled by the fabric. The material fell heavy as you let it go from your clenched fingers, a smile spreading as you finally looked up into the mirror.

“I think I've found it”, you called to the girls outside.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

Taking a deep breath, you aimed. Two rounds, every bullet hit a target and you counted that only five missed their bullseye. The sound from the shot still echoed when you took off your soundproofed earmuffs. You had been here for the past hour and finally started to feel how you relaxed. 

“What’s wrong with me?” You questioned yourself on an exhale, even though you knew the answer. It was the same giving you a hard time to fall asleep yesterday and the anxiousness when you woke up after it. Though the afternoon had ended good, with Pepper, Nat and your's dresses promised to be delivered after they'd been fitted somewhat, there was one event putting your nerves on edge. 

It had been late the same day when Pepper had knocked on your door, informing you some final adjustments would be made on the donations, details they needed you there for. She had brought you along to Tony's office, a discussion of what it was about taking place before arriving there. Perhaps you would've blamed Pepper for the slip-up, or maybe not. Though afterwards, you could only thank fate that the women beside you noticed Bucky rounding the corner in the same instance you did, or else he would've heard what the two of you were talking about. And not only that, realising what you always feared he would find out.

You knew this encounter, though it didn't end the way it could've, was the reason for your uneasiness and therefore the reason you had ended up here, your safe haven, the shooting range.

Walking over to the familiar wall, you practically could call yours, you opened it and waited for the guns department to show itself. It was then you saw a flicker in the corner fo your eye, the safety door into the room unlocking, showing Steve on the other side.

You only glanced towards him to notify you had noticed his presence, before looking back to the wall in front of you. Your eyes scanned for your favourite weapon, founding it easy as it was placed in the middle of the rows of guns. Gripping the Springfield XD, you continued to the ammunition, taking a rounds amount of bullets, loading them into the clip. Afterwards, you holstered the gun in its designated place on your hip. It was not until after that, you began walking over to the shooting station, seeing Steve also making his way over.

“Thought I would found you here”, he smiled towards you, to which you simply smirked, throwing the earmuffs you snatched while walking by the table to him. He caught them effortlessly while you answered. 

“Where else would I be?” He almost looked remorseful at your rhetorical question. “Oh, don’t give me that look, I know my own weakness is that this makes me calmer”, you tried waving away his expression.

“Is there anything going on?” He asked cautiously, but instead of answering you simply flicked down your safety glasses, removed the earmuffs from around your neck to cover your ears instead. You unholstered the gun, cocking it and then clicking off the safety. You hoped Steve saw what you were going to do and prepared with taking on his earmuffs. 

One of the shots went off, the jolt of the ricocheting gun going through your body. Three more bullets released after that, three you didn’t need to inspect where they hit. Before you could empty the clip though, you felt someone put a hand on your shoulder. Even though you knew it only could be one person, you glanced behind you.

Immediately you caught Steve's eyes, which urged you to stop for a moment. When you didn't move, he understood it was safe to pull off his protectors and you followed soon after to hear what he would say.

“I’ll take that as a yes”, Steve began, the hint of worry still present, though it didn't look as pitying as moments earlier. “What happened?” You sighed while putting down the gun, safety already on. You turned to face him better, by doing so, noticing the lines between his brows.

“It isn’t what happened, but what may happen or even is going to.  _ Fuck _ , Steve I…I shouldn't worry", you stated. For a few seconds, he was quiet. 

"But still you do", he said gently after the momentary silence. You hadn't noticed you adverted your gaze, but at his soft-spoken words, you looked up. His eyes made you take a deep breath, mainly because they stated a silent question of what you worried about.

"There's no way you have missed the party Stark have been planning, he's made everyone sure to not", you huffed, which made a chortle escape him. "However, the reason you haven't seen me around the tower as much is related to that planning".

"How?" He looked quizzically at you, which you understood why for. No-one in the team knew about this donation, neither that you helped the planning of the gala.

"Though it's Tony's fashion of truly welcoming Bucky to the team and celebrating his improvements, we brought some further meaning to it", you began to nervously fidget with the bullets on the table when continuing. "I'm going to make a donation, similarly to what I've done before. Although this is the biggest number yet and Bucky unknowingly played a great part in where it should go", realisation dawned on Steve's features and you couldn’t help but glance to his shoulder then. You remembered the clear shot you had, yet what had thrown you off was that he didn't go to pick up the shield. 

Steve followed your eyes and started piecing things together. “You mean?” He began, hesitating if he was right, but by your reaction, he was.

“Yes Steve, it’s your number”, at your words memories flashed from the aftermath of the event. Some associate with Hydra refused to pay you until evidence was shown you removed America’s golden boy from his throne. You had sworn them off, enough for probably the rest of the organisation to hear, stomping off in search for your evidence. 

You'd known that he wasn't dead. Your shot had missed its target and though it was lethal to an ordinary person, he wasn't one of those. To this day you remember how ridiculously high you'd thought, and still did, the payment was and how determined you'd been to get it. Hence the risk you took by visiting him in the med-bay. The Steve you'd seen there wasn't the same standing before you now. You've to this day never witnessed him in such a bad state.

Though the adrenaline you had then made you forget parts of what you did, you remember getting a picture of his journal. Which stated a fact society never would get to know.  _ Heart stopped at 2:23 PM.  _

You would never forget how you'd frozen for a second until you hurriedly read the sentence beneath.  _ Defibrillators used to retrieve stable heart condition, heart stopped for ten seconds, patience on the road to recovery _ . 

“How could that be?” Steve brought you out of your thoughts and you looked up at him, even more questions reflecting in them before.  _ That's right, _ no-one ever knew you got the money, besides from Tony in this instance.

“I got the evidence they needed, your journal. The money was on my bank account ten minutes later”, you saw his surprise, but knew you didn’t need to explain why it worked, he was used to truths being bent. 

“That’s why you weren’t reluctant with your capture”, he stated and you shrugged, remembering when they suddenly had you cornered you in your apartment.

“Even though knowing Fury eased the worry, I much rather be in your capture then hunted by Hydra”, you declared.

Steve watched you, memories resurfacing of the first time he realised something Fury never would get to know. That you’d worked for both sides. Though he’d debated whether or not he should expose your double game, something told him not to and he felt that he could trust the feeling. Hence why he’d let Fury believe that he trusted what he said, that you were an ally of Shield. But when he’d left, Steve ordered everyone to leave the two of you alone. Alone again, he’d asked you about everything and it was then he confirmed his beliefs but also gave his promise. He would protect your secret.

It was when Steve noticed you nervously fiddling with the gun and that your eyes were locked on his shoulder, a faraway look in them, he knew the both of you recalled times of past. Without thinking, he brought you in for a hug. He felt it took you by surprise, as you stiffened in his arms. But nevertheless, you came to your sense and hugged him back.

"What did I say, Rogers", you mumbled into his chest.

"I'm sorry", he didn't regret it, that you and Bucky met. He believed that you'd been and still are the determining factor for his friend recovery. Though up until finding you like this, mind shattered of possibilities and nerves on edge, Steve hadn't realised how much his plea cost. "You're not going to tell him I guess", he didn't see but felt your reaction, a wince and ragged intake of breath.

"Honestly, never. Never if he doesn't ask directly about. It wouldn't do anything good for him, neither me”, you answered Steve and felt his grip get tighter.

“Then it’s good I perhaps ask”, you choked when hearing the voice and flew out of the blonde man's embrace. It  _ couldn’t _ be, but it  _ was _ . In the opening to the room stood Bucky, arms crossed while leaning on the door frame. 

“I…I”, you stuttered, but couldn’t continue the sentence as you saw something shift in his eyes. At the mercy of his gaze, the heat you’d gotten from Steve's touch, suddenly went ice cold. Along with it, dread spread through your body as Bucky pushed away from the wall, starting to walk closer. 

You followed him as he did, his pace not faster nor slower than usual, although it still showed restraint. It was impossible to not notice that something raged inside him. However, you had expected to meet it, rather than observe it for longer. Because instead of entering the shooting range, he continued further in. Not until he stood before until wall which still was open, displaying the various guns you'd stood before minutes ago, did he finally stop.

You observed how he carefully picked out two, choosing their matching ammunition. Though not until the moment he turned around, did you recognised the two weapons. The smaller pistol a Sauer P220 and the bigger an MI07 rifle. You felt your finger twitch when looking at the sniper rifle, an odd awareness coursing through you at the sight of your old prized possession.

However, the feeling subdued as horror dawned on you when he rounded the corner, walked through the door and stopped before you, stretching them out for you to take.

“Shoot with them”, his command had no room for arguing and neither did you, the tension in his jaw showing his temper and it would be a bad idea.

“Wait…”, Steve was silenced with one quick glare from the brunette, taking a step back from the intensity of it. You looked at their interaction, flinching when Bucky's eyes met yours again. As being moved by an invisible force, you took the guns from him, careful not to touch him while doing so. As soon as the firearms left his grip, he took a step back and simultaneously you turned around. 

While you noticed Steve leaving your side, you, with almost shaky hands, put down the heavy weapons in front of you. Immediately you saw the silencer on both guns and didn’t care about taking on ear protection. You knew your ears would ring slightly, but you’d gotten used to the sound since years back. 

Familiarity made you pick up the rifle first and you squatted down to get better control of it. You leaned the front of it on the table, aiming at the doll. Without hesitation, you emptied the clip, hitting every single one where you intended. 

It was if someone had pulled you five years back in time, as you felt how your surrounding started to disappear and you entered the zone. Discarding the now-empty clip and placing it in your thigh holster, you put down the rifle and picked up the pistol. You hesitated only because of the unfamiliarity od the grip, but the moment passed as soon as you raised it.

Bullet after bullet hit the middle of the shooting-doll, so much that in the end, it looked like someone stabbed it open. The alarmingly loud bang beside you made you miss the last shot and in shock, you looked back. Buckys metal fist had dented the wall.

“What are you?” Bucky growled, finally understanding why things felt so familiar with you. The lightness of your steps. Your sense of knowing if someone neared and your ability to notice the smallest detail.  _ You _ moved the same as  _ him _ . He saw you couldn't bring yourself to answer when meeting his gaze. “Assassin? Hitman?…”, he trailed off when he saw the change in your face by the word. “So hitman it is”.

“This is why I didn’t tell, it isn’t relevant”, you defended yourself when hearing him state it with such distaste.

“ _ Ain’t _ _ relevant _ ?” He hollered back, you couldn’t help but flinch at its volume. You tried forming an answer, but your thoughts short-circuited, while your mouth only opened and closed. You damn well knew it was relevant for him.

“Buck, she’s a former one”, Steve stepped in, trying to cut the attention between the two of you. “There’s a reason she is on the team, she hasn’t done it for many years”, he tried defending you, but it fell on deaf ears.

“So your help was that also fake?!” His voice continuously raised.

“I didn’t lie about my degree, thank you very much!” You huffed out, stopping yourself from continuing directly afterwards. Catching your breath, you tried saying the next thing in a tenderer manner “I cared Bucky, I still do…”.

“How much can you truly care, you’re a paid murderer”, he stated, the words hitting you like a knife in the back, making you snap.

“We are the same kind. We both are murderers. The only difference is that I got paid and you didn’t”, you shouted back at him, tears forming as you understood what you just said. “I didn’t want to do it in the beginning, for fuck sake!” You continued, helplessly looking at Steve, even he staring perplexed at you. You switched back to Bucky, the man you come to feel for more and more, now looked ready to kill. The similarity between him and the Soldier the night he stared at you, the same amount of coldness in their expression, was terrifying. 

“I only did it because Steve saved me, no matter what I did. So I found it fair I would repay him with saving you”, you wanted to slap him, right then and there. It looked like he thought the very same and if it hadn’t been for Steve stepping in between the two of you, it very well would’ve happened. 

“You shouldn’t have done it”, Bucky sounded feral when he said it and everything in you body felt like going slack. Everything you worked up with him these months had gone to waste, the tears now steadily falling down your face.

“Sometimes the only one able to understand is the one that suffered the same fucking thing, James Barnes”, with that you stalked out of the room, successfully avoiding Steve’s attempt at catching hold of you. You just stared at him and whispered,  _ what did I fucking say _ .


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is near everyone, I have a small surprise for you which I will tell you in the last update for this series. Until then, have a good reading!

“Are you serious?” Steve barked at Bucky as soon as he couldn’t see you anymore. The blonde's eyes were wide, the disappointment in them evident.

“Are you asking me that? I could ask you the same thing about choosing  _ her _ ”, he snapped back, one arm shooting out to violently point the way you’d gone. He was angry, fuming at both you and Steve. However, somewhere inside himself, something urged him to calm down.

“Yes, I’m asking you that! And your question isn't valid because you damn well already know the answer", Steve answered, taking a step closer to the brunette as he continued. "I chose her because she’s the only one who could help you. Not only because she's the sole one in the team knowing how to handle a situation like this. But also as she has endured similar things as you", he saw how Steve's chest heaved while his eyes burned into him. It was a long time ago he had looked this upset. All because of you. 

The look in his friend's eyes hurled him back into the memory he wanted to erase from his mind, but never could. He had come here in hopes of finding Steve, to talk about something concerning you. However, he hadn't only found his friend as he hoped, but you as well. 

He had stopped on the threshold of the room the moment Steve had pulled you in for a hug. The way you had welcomed his embrace by burying your face in his chest, made a pang shoot through his own. He recognised the familiar thought he believed he buried resurfacing. Were you a couple? He would've mulled over the question he got proved opposite many times already if it wasn't for your movement. It was small, almost unnoticeable, but still, he had seen it. Your body trembled. He remembers how his heart had tugged at the scene and understood that something must've worried you enough for Steve to try and soothe you. He was about to walk forward to comfort you as well, like you'd done so many times to him, but was halted when he heard a conversation between the two of you begin.

_ “What did I say, Rogers”. _

_ “I’m sorry”,  _ Bucky had seen Steve look down on the crown of your head, before looking up and blinking a few times. He knew his friends just blinked away a few tears.  _ “You're not going to tell him I guess”, _ the statement had intrigued him, but further so did the scene beyond the two of you. It had been a simple flicker of his gaze that made him notice. By the station you had chosen in the shooting range, he saw a gun on the table. Looking over your shoulder, he curiously observed the dolls. However, the moment his eyes landed on the scene, his eyebrows flew up. There was a neat hole in the bullseye part of the target.

_ “Honestly, never. Never if he doesn't ask directly about. It wouldn't do anything good for him, neither me" _ , it was your answer to Steve's question that pulled his attention back to you. Your words had made his mind reel and the first question that had surfaced was, did you speak about him?

Though Bucky had tried brushing past the question, it was one move from his blonde friend that had made him realise you did. Steve had glanced on the weapon behind you, then to the targets and after that, his embrace had tightened.

_ “Then it’s good I ask perhaps”,  _ he hadn't been able to stop the words from leaving him. The moments afterwards, he had witnessed you jump away from Steve.

_ “I-I...”,  _ he wanted to believe he was wrong, but the look on both you and Steve's faces screamed the opposite. Despite this, Bucky had felt the need to give you a final chance to prove him wrong.

It was that decision that had carried him forwards, towards the open weapons department on the wall. He hadn't looked at you, though now in the aftermath he perhaps should've. Maybe it would've stopped him from picking the two guns most familiar to him. Stopped him from walking to the shooting range. Stopped him from ordering you to shoot. But he had felt the need to know.

And had gotten to know. As soon as Steve tried stepping in to defend you, but you had taken the guns from him regardless, he knew. It was too familiar. The way his friend had tried to argue for you as he had done for Bucky many times as well. How you had handled the weapons, with a learned profession.

The realisation hit him even before you began to shoot and had made him take a few steps back. He almost hadn't noticed he leaned against the wall, while metal fingers scraped against it. 

The image was fresh on his frontal lobe, the way you had focused when squatting down to stabilise the rifle. He still sensed the strangeness he had felt when seeing you use a weapon so differently than him. But it hadn't mattered, because you had moved as one with the gun. 

The only remembrance Bucky had of a small hope was when you had picked up the pistol. Your grip shuffled out of unfamiliarity, making your first shot come much later than earlier. But in the end, it didn't matter. Bullseye. Bullseye. Bullseye.

Before he even had registered he moved, he felt his fingers clench into a fist, one which in return slammed into the wall. Despite his then newfound anger, he had noticed your shooting halted in a jerk as you spun towards him. As soon as your gaze met his, he saw your eyes widen and fingers reflexively flick on the safety, before you dropped the gun. It landed with a dull thud from the small distance it had fallen.

_ “What are you?” _ He felt the word ring in his head as venomously now when he thought back at them, as they'd done when he said them aloud.  _ “Assassin? Hitman?…”, _ he had seen the quick flex of your jaw, along the tip of your head and your quiver in your lip before you bit down on them. “So hitman it is”.

_ “This is why I didn’t tell, it isn’t relevant”, _ he hadn’t expected your outburst, but now when thinking back on the event, he should've.

_ “Ain’t relevant?” _ The wince he had seen your body, most possibly, unconsciously make at the volume from his voice had made Steve snap out from his bystander role.

_ “Buck, she’s a former one. There’s a reason she is on the team, she hasn’t done it for many years” _ , he had heard Steves voice, filled with what he now afterwards could distinguish as hope, probably hope for him to calm down. But at the time he hadn't been able to do that. The betrayal he felt, both whether your sentiment had been out of care, pity or an order. And because you had withheld the fact of your true nature. 

_ “So your help was that also fake?!” _

_ “I didn’t lie about my degree thank you very much!”  _ The way you had defended yourself, perhaps rightfully so, had made him ready to snarl a response at you. However, his words had died on his tongue when he heard the soft words leaving you on your exhale. _ “I cared Bucky, I still do…”,  _ there was an explosion in his chest by the way you said it, he still could feel the traces if. It had felt like pure happiness spreading through him, but instead of lingering in that feeling, he had closed it off. He had stubbornly wanted to believe what you said, but doubt and anger made him reluctant. It was in the shadow of those feeling his next words formed.

_ “How much can you truly care, you’re a paid murderer”,  _ he meant them, but at the same time, he hadn't. His conflicting feelings made him unsure how to react when he had witnessed something break in you. But from fury, he didn’t want to take it back even if his conscience yelled him to do it. Something he wished he now had listened to.

_ “We are the same kind. We both are murderers. The only difference is that I got paid and you didn’t” _ , your voice was high pitched and even though tears had formed you raised your head higher, not letting them fall.  _ “I-I didn’t want to do it in the beginning, for fuck sake!” _ He remembers how you'd glance at Steve and that was the moment he understood his friend somehow convinced you to do this, to help him. 

_ “I only did it because Steve saved me, no matter what I did. So I only found it fair I would repay him with saving you”,  _ Steve had saved you, he didn’t know how but his friend was the cause of you standing before him. It was in that second the blonde man had stepped before you, shielding you almost entirely from him.

_ “You shouldn’t have done it”, _ the words tasted bitter even now when thinking back on them. But truth to be told, his sentence wouldn't have ended there. He had wanted to say, you shouldn’t have made him trust you, fall for you, only to show him this, but his voice had died.

_ “Sometimes the only one able to understand is the one that suffered the same fucking thing, James Barnes”,  _ your use of his full name, something you had never uttered before, somehow carved the deepest wound in his chest.

“Didn’t you say you trusted me?” Steve hauled him back from his memory by his question. In the absence of his mind, Bucky noticed his friend had come closer than before. 

Looking at the blonde, he knew he asked the question to make him think about the first time he had met you. Already then he had felt calm with you, despite back then he had been wary of why. He also remembers that he had said he trusted Steve but...

“I never said I trusted her”, it was more that he spoke the end of his thoughts aloud, rather than actually meaning them. However, it seemed the blonde man didn't notice this.

“Jesus!” Steve cursed, throwing his hands up in the air. “Step down from your high horse and see past your anger, without her you wouldn’t be able to have gotten this good”, he tried reasoning and Bucky knew he was right, but the only reason he behaved as he did was because he  _ knew _ . He knew he wasn’t only angry on Steve and you, but on himself as well. For how he acted, for how he hurt you. Because of this tug of war of feelings, he said one thing, and continuously meant another.

“I have every right to be upset, she lied”, he believed it, he genuinely did. But with the disappointing look that Steve gave him, Bucky wished it wasn't the case.

“She did it for you...”, Steve halted himself by taking a deep breath while rubbing a hand over his face. “Don’t you see it? She’s done all of this for you. To a beginning, she may have done it because I asked for it. But, believe me, for once if any time now, that she wouldn’t have continued if she didn’t care for you”, Steve looked at him and for the first time, Bucky didn’t have anything to say. His anger still boiled, but he didn’t know if he had a good enough reason for it anymore, so he turned and walked out.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

You’d looked forward to the party tonight, now you didn’t. Last night you had cried yourself dry, the memory of Bucky's confrontation on repeat throughout the whole night. You guessed, however, that your exhaustion of the event eventually had knocked you out. Albeit given a few hours of sleep, it felt like you hadn't rested at all when waking up in the morning. Your body felt heavy, mind occupied along with tears always present in your eyes. 

It was purely because of your state, both physical and mental, you didn't dare exit your room. You wondered if your teammates missed your presence, although as the donation gala was tonight, you guessed they only thought you prepared for that. 

Remembering the cause of your problem, you glared at the grey bag shielding the dress. It fault like it taunted you, where it was draped over your couch, and you debated on whether you should throw it out of the window or not.

“Y/N I thought I should…”, you were snapped out of your thoughts by Tony's voice and in shock, you looked at the billionaire who now stood in the opening of your door. His voice had died down, like his steps, as soon as he noticed you. His brows pulled together as he saw you sit on your bed, seconds away from crying. “Hey, what is it?” His voice had gone soft, much less boisterous than when he entered. 

It was as if refraining from making a remark and preferably showing his gentler side, something that didn't often happen, made you break. You looked away from him to try and hide your tears, but it seemed he already had seen them. You heard him come closer, but not until he crouched down in front of you could you see him.

“Sweetheart, what happened?” He took your hands in his, while his brown eyes tried finding what was wrong by studying your features. You felt muted to his stare, thus as soon as his question was asked, a picture of Bucky resurfaced. It was from the moment he realised what you had kept form him. Seeing the sheer look of anger and loathing painting his features in the memory, made whatever answer you would've given come out as a sob.

Quickly you saw how your vision got blurry and how droplets started to fall down your cheeks. Bothered by your reaction in front of the billionaire, you began to furiously wipe your tears away. It was not until Tony, similar to what Steve had done many times, swept you in for a hug you stopped. You had never received more than a friendly side-hug from him, so for a moment, you were taken aback by his unusual action.

“Tell me what happened”, at the same time he urged you to speak, he pressed you closer to him. It was the little shift that made you came back to your senses and wrapped your arms around him. “Is this why we haven’t seen your beautiful face around?” You couldn’t help the small, but in Tony’s eyes, miserable smile that spread on your lips.

“It’s Bucky…”, your voice let you down as another sob bubbled up in your throat, but you saw the lightbulb go off over his head when he figured it out. 

Tony's brows furrowed when he really saw the distress you were in and what had caused it. He didn’t know you like Steve, the two of you practically seen as siblings by the team, but he knew the essential things. By the looks of it, something had gone wrong yesterday. There weren't many things that could elicit this reaction from you, which instantly made him realise what it implied. Bucky must've gotten to know what everyone else already did.

“So, that’s why mister spangle left in a fury yesterday", although Tony's chuckle was light and you knew he tried to make you feel better, the mention of Steve didn’t help. You hadn’t met him, or rather, he hadn’t come to visit you afterwards. You didn’t know what to believe, but something must’ve happened between the two soldiers after your and Bucky's confrontation. And if trusting the billionaire's words, neither had that ended well.

“I know it ain’t easy sweetheart, but trust me we’ll solve this”, Tony reassured you. “Especially if Barnes wants to stay”, a laugh escaped you, but it was more out of fear. You wanted him to stay, whatever he felt towards you at the moment, you couldn’t deny how you felt for Bucky. “I wanted to ask you about tonight, go over things a final time, but it seems I chose the worst time for it”, Tony murmured and you broke away from his embrace. You wiped away your final tears and took a deep breath before looking at him.

“It’s fine, I’m able to talk about it”, you tried saying confidently, a smile on your face.

“Ah, a beautiful smile at last”, Tony joked which made you chuckle.

“Don’t say that I don’t want Pepper after me”.

“And there’s the Y/N I know”, he cheerfully pointed out, which you only shook your head to. 

What occupied your time for the next thirty minutes was exactly that, a final walkthrough of the evening. You discussed the events before the donations. The usual time for paparazzi to grab their pictures, but also for people to mingle around. It was not until later on in the evening, Tony would announce the surprise, the donations. He told you he had received confirmation that the representatives from the chosen organisations would attain. Much like everybody else, the associates were unknowing of the true intentions of the party. Therefore, the donations would come as a complete surprise. After the main event, the evening would simply proceed as it liked, which you from experience knew meant quite a few interviews for Tony.

“I don’t think there’s much more to go through by this point. If you don’t want me to hang around for longer?”

“It’s okay Tony, I think I’ll be able to handle myself until the party starts”, you smiled towards him, thankful he’d been here with you. 

“Well then, just in case you forget I’ll send Nat here to get fixed with you”, he stood up before his expression changed into one of recognition. “I don’t even think I would be able to stop her when she gets to know”.

“You don’t need to tell her”, you very well knew how she could get when things like this happened.

“You know as good as me that I won’t be able to hide it from her”, you simply chuckled to what he said before bidding him goodbye.

As promised, or expected, a few hours before the party started, a knock came on your door. With a little lighter tone to your steps, you headed to the door to open it for Nat. However, you hadn't even been able to open it fully before a flurry of red hair stalked into your room.

“What doesn’t that идиот understand?" You hadn’t thought about the rather hard-knocking moments earlier, although the intensity of the word you didn’t miss. Despite not knowing any Russian, you knew she cursed him, having similar sounding words thrown your way during training. 

“Hi to you too”, you said to her while closing the door. It seemed she didn't bother to greet you back, as you started walking over to where she stood,

“I’m glad we bought this dress, will at least make his sorry ass feel a bit remorseful”, you huffed out a chuckled to what she said, but not without a shake of your head.

“Don’t blame him, you would feel the same”.

“I blame him fully”, she began, before turning around. It was then, when meeting her gaze, you noticed her irritation. “I stand by what I said before this happened, regardless of how much you believe it, you were the defining piece in getting the man back. But he didn’t deserve it, by the looks of it”, she huffed the last thing out. 

“Oh Nat...”, you hugged her, not knowing if her words actually helped, but you felt touched by them.

“Come on now, we’ll get you fixed up and try to enjoy tonight, it’s about you no matter what Stark does in your favour”, she held you on arm-lengths distance, a smile adorning her lips while she said it.

“I’m happy he’s taking the spotlight, he does it better than me”, you chuckled.

“That’s just what you believe”, the redhead answered while packing up your dress, placing it on a hanger.

Despite the stubborn arguing about who should get fixed first, you had won in the end. And by winning, you meant taking Nat by surprise and pushing her down in the chair to start with. From the moment she had been forced to admit defeat, things had fallen into a much calmer moment. You curled her hair while she busied herself by doing her makeup. Though you didn't complain, because she was the better one out of the two of you surrounding that, you questioned how the hell she could do it whilst you made her hair.  _ 'Some can do it from the beginning'  _ her answer had been, to which you threatened her to be quiet by saying you accidentally would burn her with the curling iron. 

When you and Nat finally switched places, you felt untroubled as your heavy chest had become lighter. You would almost call it therapeutic, the way she combed your hair and put makeup on your face. However, when she said  _ 'if you begin to cry now, the makeup will be ruined' _ you burst out laughing, the feeling of it being therapeutic gone. However, in the end, things had gone swiftly.

“Simple but elegant”, she stated, as she tapped your shoulder for you to examine your looks. As you opened your eyes, you immediately remember why you enjoyed Tony's parties.

“Right as you are”, you agreed. 

“Go on and put on the dress now, then this”, she handed you the glossed lipstick she had grabbed from the table before shooing you away to fetch your dress and change. You chuckled at her, though a last pointed look from where she stood in her own fixed up glory, made you hurry into the bathroom. 

While inside, you took your time to admire the work Nat had done with your hair and face. You would certainly not have been able to do such handiwork yourself, even if you had some skill. It was while carefully slipping into your dress, scared of destroying the garment with your makeup, you heard Nat’s voice from outside.

“She ain’t ready mister”, something ignited in your chest and you hurried to sip up the dress. Although, the moment you stepped into the main room, you knew it had been a hopeless thought that Bucky would've been the one standing at your door. Despite that, you couldn’t deny the slight disappointment when you saw blonde hair instead of brown.

“I’m ready, so speak for yourself”, you hid your feelings behind the remark when walking further into the room. It was when hearing your voice Nat turned to look at you, closely followed by Steve. A smirk pulled on the spy's lips, but it wasn’t her reaction which attracted your attention.

“Would you look at that”, his praise had been followed up by a whistle.

“Stop that, you’re gonna make a girl blush”, you waved your hand at the soldier who looked you up and down.

“Looking like that I have every right to”, a bashful smile followed and you could indeed feel your body heat up by Steves comment, as you came to stand with your teammates.

“Oh shush”, you lightly hit his arm, though as you began to draw your hand back, you were startled by Steve grasping it. Quizzically you peered up at him.

“I wanted to talk to you, before heading down”, he said. It was the slight narrow between his brows, the almost excusing tone before he even began, that made you understand what it was about. It was about Bucky.

“I leave you two to it then. See you there”, Nat understood the hint and walked out the door. 

Although the door was kept open, both you and Steve stood inside your room. You looked at him, Tony had indeed gotten a good tailor for him.  _ And Bucky _ . He’d chosen to wear a darker grey suit, white undershirt, a pair of shoes a shade slightly darker than the set itself. After doing this once over, you looked up at his face, the sad look more visible since Nat left you.

“You look good Steve, you’ll get some nice photos with the press”, you smiled, but he didn’t return it.

“Y/N don’t try and hide it”, he said and you felt your own smile drop, as well as your head. A sigh left you when you turned around, about to fetch your heels standing on the coffee table. Nonetheless, a gentle grip on your hand made you turn. 

“I’m just going to get my heels if you don’t want me to go barefoot”, a smile twitched in the corner of his mouth and he let you go. While you turned around, he looked after you. 

“Do you know he didn’t mean everything he said?” Steve noticed you gripped the heels tightly while sitting down on the couch.

“It sounded like he did”, you huffed sharply. Nevertheless your heated replay, Steve noticed your fingers trembled when you fastened the heels and how you chewed on your lip.

“The way you bite away your lipstick says otherwise”, he pointed it out and earned a look from you. However, the heat in it quickly faded. 

“Steve, I don’t know if I’m able to do this”, you had thought back to why you were nervous from the beginning, the donation. That, together with Bucky knowing your past, seemed to crush you. You saw how Steve moved in the corner of your eye and looked up to watch him. It wasn't until he squatted down before you, his pants only letting him do so until a point where it looked mildly uncomfortable, your gaze stopped wandering and instead met his.

“I know you will, you’ve done it before”, he saw a protest was about to come, so he swiftly continued. “There’s a reason I’m here. First I’m sorry I haven’t come here to see you, I’ve been busy trying to get the fool to admit”, he sighed shaking his head before continuing “I wanted you to know that he understands he has done wrong, his stubborn ass just doesn’t want to confess it yet. He argues he has a reason to be angry…”

“And he does”, you cut him off, while glancing away momentarily. With a few blinks, a measure to avoid crying, you looked back to Steve, noticing he waited for your eyes to find his again before continuing.

“But at the same time, he knows he has no right to be. How you treated him is something he can’t see past, no matter how blind he is”, you laughed softly and at the sound, Steves sweet smile came forth. “So go and enjoy the night which happens because of you”, he urged softly and you shook your head, a smile adorning your face despite it.

“Sure, but I’ll do it merely so your pants don’t break, they weren’t made for squatting”.

“If that makes you come, then fine”, he laughed at your comment and raised himself from his position. Standing up, he offered you his arm and you couldn't but help but smile appreciatively at him. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone! Hopefully those of you who had a shit 2020, probs everyone of us, will have it at least a bit better in 2021. I thought I would publish this chapter to start of this year good, because as I said in the last update, I have a surprise. 'Two Halves Become One Whole' will get a small two part prologue/spin off! It will be published as a separate "story" named 'Now whole', but I will gather the works in a series so they'll be easier to find. So until I see you the next time, enjoy the ending of this part of the series.

Steve and you had decided on not taking the main entrance through the elevator to reach the party. Hence, the blonde man now accompanied you down a corridor to one of the side entrances. You would've called it serene, walking in comfortable silence, if it wasn't for the anxiety steadily increasing. You didn't know why it did, because everything that could go wrong with this evening already had.  But nonetheless, you felt how your pulse quickened and gently started making itself noticeable by the light tapping against the base of your throat. Your steps, already more unstable than usual by your choice of footwear, felt like they began to get even weaker. Though, it was not until stars started to cloud your vision that you voiced your distress. 

"S-Steve", you gently tugged his arm to slow his pace, without hesitation he also did. Even though you noticed, from the corner of your eye, how he gazed down at you, you focused on regaining your composure. You closed your eyes and slowly but surely the counting of each deep inhale and exhale helped to control yourself. "I'm sorry, I-I shouldn't... you shouldn't have gone with me", you stumbled over your words, which you didn't even know where they came from in the beginning, as you glanced up at Steve. Instantly you sae that concern contort his features.

"Hey", his soft was gentle, almost a whisper. It was then you realised his worry seemed to have settled and given place to a kind smile. "I said I wouldn't lose you on this...".

"Mr Rogers, can you look here!" The suddenness of the voice cutting Steve off made you startle slightly and tear your gaze from the soldier's. 

Even though you hadn't even entered the room that the gala was held in, more than stand on the threshold that was, it seemed people spotted you anyways. The man you guessed had called out to Steve wore a press card around his neck, something you saw as it swayed while he hurried closer. Many turned as he swiftly passed them, noticing you and Steve. Finding the source of the sudden commotion, many more reporters started heading your way with cameras. _ So much for the unnoticed entry. _

"Miss Y/L/N, you look stunning!" You forced a smile to the crowd now gathering, as you didn't know who said it thanks to the flashlights from cameras obscuring your view. 

Even though people continued to call for your attention after the first time, your eyes didn't sweep the crowd to give them a good picture or finding someone who wanted to ask you a question. You searched for someone. And you found him.  Bucky was easy to spot, if not for his position in an emptier part of the huge room, it was because Sam stood by his side. 

It was if seeing the man in all his glory, you suddenly realised your conversation with Steve had gotten interrupted before either of you had finished what they wanted to say.

"You may have said you wouldn't lose me, but Steve, with how things ended... I...h-he's your friend", you picked up the conversation again, leaning closer to the blonde so he would be able to hear you better and others wouldn't catch what you said. As he switched to look down at you, the smile he showed the people in front of him, turned much more genuine.

"And you're not?" Your eyes flittered over to the same place it had done before. Compared to earlier, Sam had now turned your way and once meeting his gaze, you sent a nod his way. You couldn't see if he smiled or not, but at least he responded to your greeting with the usual cheerful tip of his head. You smiled gratefully at the gesture as he turned back to the brunette he chatted with, while you once more looked up at Steve. 

For a second, you simply gazed up at him as you tried forming an answer to what he said. It would've been something along the lines of ' _ but _ _ he's been there from the start',  _ albeit, you never got a chance to say it.

"Y/N, you seem distracted, is it perhaps by your date that is?" Dumbfounded you looked at the man who'd asked the question. Thus your thoughts had been elsewhere, you couldn't form an answer as quickly as needed whilst standing in front of the reporters, so Steve came to your rescue.

"What an honour that would be, sadly that isn't the case", Steve joked, earning a few laughs from the people before you. "I just accompanied her as a friend", you smiled at him, having caught your tongue enough to give an answer yourself.

"So it is. However, what I would say I'm interested in, is the surprise Stark has for the evening", you said, which made a question about what you thought it could be, follow. You responded with an easy laugh and  _ who knows what a billionaire can come up with.  _ It sparked some few more questions that you and Steve alternated on answering, but sooner rather then later, the soldier at your side excused the two of you. You were grateful for it, thus standing in the spotlight had never been your favourite. 

"Do you want anything to drink?" Steve asked this as you seated yourself by the bar he had guided you to. Looking up from fixating your dress, you saw he'd already called on the bartender for himself.

"The usual", you smiled and he ordered for you. While the two of you waited for your drinks, your eyes scanned the room for Bucky again. However, now it seemed he was gone in the masses. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

Bucky had noticed you and Steve heading down the hallway long before anyone else. He couldn't look away, as he wanted to take in your appearance until it had burned itself into his brain. Especially when he couldn't deny he liked it, a lot. It wasn't until he had stared at you long enough to notice you were engrossed in a conversation with Steve, that he registered your hand resting on his forearm. His brows furrowed as he finally averted his gaze from the two of you.

He'd been in a battle with himself the whole day, almost so much he forgot to pick up his suit. He'd gotten it, looked at it and thrown it on the bed. The moment of your fight replaying in his mind so many times, he had no desire to put it on this night. Now though, having just witnessed you so prettily dressed up, he couldn't deny he let his dwelling emotions of anger disperse a bit. 

"Stop sulking", he looked up, the brown-eyed man interrupting his thoughts. "You know what your outburst would bring", Sam had said the same as Steve, he shouldn't have reacted as he had. Bucky started to believe he was the only one seeing the reason behind his reaction, but he knew he wasn't. You were the second one. He'd seen it in your broken face that you accepted his outburst, even though it made your heart break. That was why he hated himself even more for what he did.

"Can't do anything about it anyway", he gruffly answered, seeing how Sam had redirected his attention from him to something else. He witnessed a smile spread on the man's lips, closely followed by a nod. Not until the man's eyes returned to him, did Bucky himself turn around to look over his shoulder to spot who the greeting had been to. He instantly found you and Steve, looking like the pair he always believed you'd been, but never hoped.

"You could very much do something about it, talk to her, she deserves it", Sam had persistently told him to do that since getting to know about the event, but he couldn't. He didn't know what to say. 

Leaning on the wall beside him, knowingly ignoring to answer his friend, Bucky followed you with his gaze. By now, you had come to sit by the bar, Steve leaning beside you. You sipped your drink, a playful smile on your lips as you watched the blonde man. He wished it was him, standing beside you, making you smile like that. 

"I'm going to the bar", Bucky suddenly announced, starting to head towards the destination by the outskirt of people assembled in the room. Sam was close behind him, he noted, as he still could hear his voice clearly.

"For a drink or something else", the smugness was noticeable and he knew he hadn't tried to hide it. But he didn't care about that, as he kept watching you as he manoeuvred his way forwards . You sipped your drink, gaze roaming over the people before you, then suddenly it stopped. He saw the shift in your face now when being much closer and he continued to watch to try and understand why it shifted. However, before he could, he felt a jerk in his shoulder, which made him stop.

"Get a grip man", Sam stated lowly behind him. "Soon you'll go tumbling over the balcony if you continue like this", he waved in front of Bucky, who looked forward. The bar was less than half a foot away, one more step and he would've been crashing into it. As Bucky regarded his close call, Sam came up to stand beside him. 

"I'll say it now and not again, talk to her. There is something even though you two don't see it", oh Bucky saw it, it was long since he felt like this for someone. "Especially by the way she's looking at you", he felt his jaw tense as he followed Sam's eye over his shoulder. 

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

You sipped your drink, enjoying the lighthearted conversation you and Steve had but you never felt entirely satisfied. Ever since you had gotten your drink, it felt like the thought of Bucky only gnawed more and more in the back of your mind by each sip you took. It became so bad that you started noticing how your eyes travelled over the crowd in the room as much, if not more then, it was on Steve. Each time you did it, however, you were met with frustration. You hadn't spotted the brunette ever since the first time. It was almost as if the masses of people had swallowed him. 

Sighing in what you thought was a discreet manner, something the blonde opposite you would argue against, you turned to your company of the night. Yet, as your eyes landed on Steve, you raised an eyebrow. The man wasn't, for the first time tonight, there to meet your gaze. Instead, he watched something over your shoulder, a slight tug in his lips telling you he tried repressing a smirk.

"He's going to make a fool of himself", he mumbled, following his statement by sipping his drink. At his words, you tilted your head, confusion raising until you glanced over your shoulder.

There you saw the pair you earlier spotted, a mere feet away. You didn't understand how Sam and Bucky suddenly popped up at the bar when you hadn't been able to spot them for the last ten minutes. But there they were, seemingly silently bicker with each other.

Hence neither of the men had shown they knew of your presence, you took the opportunity to study Bucky. His back was turned to you and from the small shifts, the suit strained over his back. His attire was darker, much more so then the man accompanying you here. Even though the small lights along the bar hit the fabric, you couldn't tell if it was dark blue or straight-up black. 

It was not until your gaze had travelled the length of his body down and then back up, noting how his suit pants hugged his legs and blazer defined his tapered waist, you realised Sam looked at you over Bucky shoulder. Noticing your fixation on the soldier, brought his lips into a poorly repressed smile after something he said.

You didn't hear it of course, as the gentle music still was high enough to hide what you presumed was a whisper. Although, you quickly figured out what the gist of it must've been, thus Bucky swiftly turned around.  There was no time to look away before his eyes found yours, but the moment it did you wished you had.  A spark went down your spine as you instead of meeting tender grey-blue hues was met by unforgiving coldness. Along with that, his face wasn't adorned with the beautiful smile you knew Bucky possessed. The clench of his hand on the edge of the tabletop was the last drop before you looked away. 

_ What did you think that he'd forgiven you?  _ The thought surfaced in your mind and you looked up at the blonde man before you once more. You sought Steve's support, a glance or a word perhaps, but his own eyes were __ still fixed over your shoulder. Maybe it would've been fine if you hadn't continued feeling the burning glare from Bucky in the back of your head, but purely from that fact, it wasn't. Your eyes started flickering around, trying to find an excuse to escape. It was the sight of red hair near the couches that eminently provided it.

"I'll go and meet up with Nat", you fled from your seat, leaving your half-finished drink and Steve who hadn't a chance to say anything before you were far enough away he would need to call out after you.

Instead, he simply looked after you as you joined the redheaded spy where she stood with Clint and a few other guests. It seemed like none of them paid any mind to your hurried entrance to the group, beside Nat that was. Steve noticed how she tilted her head, enough so that her gaze found his. Raising a brow at him, she asked a silent question of what was wrong, to which the blonde gestured with a nod towards the Bucky a little further down the bar. Nat's eye momentarily switched to look where Steve had motioned and as she found what he meant, he saw her shake her head, before refocusing on the people around her.

Sighing at the situation, Steve looked away from you and instead towards Bucky. The man was still observing you, furrow deep between his brows. Smiling as he shook his head, the blonde soldier stood up from his seat. Quickly ordering a similar drinks to his, he took that one along his own, as he made his way over to his friends.

"How's he doing?" Steve's question to Sam appeared to snap Bucky out of his daze. 

"If I say he hasn't been able to stop watching her, does it give you a good inclination?" Both men chuckled, to which Bucky sent them both a glare, before turning around to lean on the bar. Not long after, a glass was pushed into his peripheral and he looked at the man doing so. Steve, unlike himself, had sat down on the barstool while continuing to nurse his own drink. Without saying anything, he took the full glass, taking a gulp. He felt the burn that wouldn't affect him, but the familiarity of it was welcoming.

"Are you going to continue to scold me?" Bucky muttered.

"No, I've already said what I think you should do and as long as you're not deaf I ain't going to say it again", he heard the judgment in Steve's voice and the irritation he felt towards his friend since their dispute rose again.

"I know what I should goddam do Steve, but it ain't easy", he looked at the one he addressed, seeing how the man clenched his jaw.

"And you think what she did was any easier Buck",  _ no _ , no he didn't think so. He knew very well you had gone out of your way to help him. He  _ saw _ that you'd broken yourself to mend him.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

The evening continued in the same fashion, both you and Bucky trying to refuse the urge to glance towards the other, at least without the other person noticing. However, the last few minutes, he observed how you had stopped trying to chance a glance at him, mostly because he no longer stood by the bar. 

He had abandoned his friend because the number of people starting to gravitate towards that side of the room bothered him. Perhaps the crowd didn't trouble him as much as it would've a month ago, but he still didn't feel completely comfortable in groups he didn't know.  That why was he now found himself standing along one of the walls, were fewer people dwelled. His solitude was undisturbed, as well as his thoughts, till the moment he heard Stark's voice echo throughout the room.

"How's everyone doing this beautiful night", the soldier huffed from his position when most of the room answered in a joyous chorus. "Were almost scared I lost my touch, but how could I?" The billionaire laughed along with the crowd, which made Bucky wonder how someone could so easily entertain everyone in a room like Stark did, beside himself the was. Thus as Tony continued warming up the crowd, his own eyes drifted to you again. 

You hadn't wandered from Natasha's group, but he spotted some of the other Avengers like Bruce and Thor had joined it. Everyone there had their eyes on Tony, occasionally taking a sip from the drink in their hand. However, compared to your companion's, your grasp was empty. Bucky hadn't seen you drink much, he guessed you at tops bordered on being tipsy. He wondered why you didn't, even Sam had had a substantial amount more than you. 

"The part of the night which everyone has waited for is here, ladies and gentleman", most people in the room looked at Stark as he continued his speech, you one amongst them. Even though your eyes weren't wide with anticipation, or you didn't hang to every word he said, Bucky saw your interest in the display. "Why I have gathered you here today is because I'm announcing a pair of donations", an applaud echoed from the audience, one which the billionaire quickly quieted down with a few waves of his hand. Although, not until a close to deadly silence swept through the room did he continue.

"It will be the highest donations yet, to causes that are close to heart as well", Bucky noticed how a smile started to ghost your lips to what Tony said. "To begin with, 25 million dollars will be donated to the National Institute for Mental health. Another 50 million will be donated to the Columbia University Department of Psychiatry and their research and treatment program about Post-traumatic Stress Disorder", Bucky couldn't catch you reaction, as his own eyes switched to look towards Stark, but he guessed it was the same as everyone else's. Something he wouldn't be surprised by, if that was the case, as the numbers even caught him off guard. Stark was donating 75 million dollars. In his own standards that perhaps weren't much, but for Bucky the amount was astonishing. 

Though Tony continued his speech, his words fell on deaf ears in Bucky's case. He didn't know why, his mind simply wandered to his worries. However, what he didn't miss was the near chaos that erupted as soon as the man was done. It startled him enough to flinch, as people screamed their cheers and cameras started clicking as the man in the centre of all the attention only smiled and thanked everyone. Bucky was happy he hadn't stood any closer, because people started to flock even more to ask questions. 

The whole joyous atmosphere continued for a good while, as people talked about what just had happened. Nevertheless, Bucky kept to himself, not joining his friends once more, nor participating in any of the closest by conversations. Consequently, he almost started to feel his mind drift away again and how he spaced out.  Thus of this, he didn't notice someone heading his way until they suddenly stood beside him. 

Snapping out of his absentmindedness, he noted Tony leaned against the wall beside him, looking around the room with a smile. He didn't say anything and though Bucky didn't mind it at first, the prolonged silence almost made him squirm.

"Generous amount you donated", he tried his best to deflect the palpable strain of being by himself in the billionaire's company.

"It was, wasn't it?" Tony hummed, as his gaze for a moment stilled. Whatever he found, made his smile widen enough to crease the skin near his eyes. Bucky found it unusual to see the dark-haired man beside him this calm and at ease. Curiosity lit inside him as to what brought this side out of the man. However,  as he tried finding what made Tony fall in such a good mood, the man in question took a step closer to him, making Bucky retract his gaze before finding whatever held his attention.

"I'll let you in on a secret, now when there are fewer people around to hear", Bucky hadn't noticed the decrease, nonetheless it seemed people on this aristocracy status only considered donations  _ that _ interesting in the end anyways. "It wasn't my money", shocked he looked back to the dark-haired man, who stood there and grinned, still looking ahead.

"What do you mean?"  _ No one has that amount of money, beside him _ , he thought as he confusedly questioned him.

"Your answer is sitting over there", the billionaire nodded forwards and Bucky followed his stare. Though he had known the couch group was in that direction, he hadn't thought that was what Stark had watched the whole time. But now perhaps he understood why, thus, everyone on the team occupied the space.

"What do you...", he hadn't even finished his question to clarify exactly what Stark meant, before the man beside him clicked his tongue. It brought Bucky's eyes to Tony, who now for the first time looked up at him.

"I know you understand what I mean", biting the inside of his cheek, the soldier didn't know if he cursed himself for adverting his gaze from the billionaire, or for how his eyes instantly proceeded to you. 

He observed how you sat on the armrest of the couch, hand resting on Clint's shoulder who sat beside you. You laughed, hence why you needed to stabilise yourself from not falling off the seat you were perched upon. He wanted to smile at the scene, but then, like a flash from a clear sky, he remembered what you had done to receive the money the man beside him spoke about. 

"I've heard you know, but...she didn't kill anyone for this specific money", it was as if Tony read his mind and he gave the dark-haired man his full attention again. "The target is sitting opposite her, doesn't look dead to you, does he?" Bucky had noticed who it was, so he didn't need to look again.  _ Steve saved me, no matter what I did.  _ Your words rang clear as day in his head. 

"She was paid a pretty price, even more then I donated today, to take our golden boy out of the game. She was close to succeeding too, but close wasn't enough", Tony rubbed his forehead as if the memory of it was unpleasant, before continuing once more. "She got the money, how the hell I don't know. Although, by not succeeding, she played a dangerous game with her clients", the billionaire sneaked a quick glance towards you, brows drawing together, before looking back at Bucky. The man in question saw concern in the other's brown eyes, one he never had witnessed. 

"Her client was Hydra", Bucky felt how his mouth dropped open as dread overtook him by the fact. "It was fortunate we found her first", he watched Tony as he crossed his arms over his chest and rather than continuing to look him, the billionaire switched to observe, who he presumed to be, you. 

But while he did that, Bucky felt himself freezings slightly. Hence, he understood that what Stark had said was an understatement. It wasn't fortunate they'd found you first it was pure luck on your part. Thus he knew, as the organisation's former weapon, that they most possibly would never stop searching for you. 

He  felt how fear crept into his bone's, almost as painful as when he dreamed about what they would do to him if they ever got him. But this time, it wasn't for his own sake. He feared for you.

"You know, she didn't want to keep the money, felt it wasn't her right to do so once joining the team", Tony's voice was quieter as he continued after the small amount of silence, nonetheless snapping Bucky out of his thoughts. "As she remembers everyone, she came up with an idea. For the same amount she got when... picking them off, she donates to a cause close to their work", his voice trailed off in the end, but that wasn't what the brunette soldier concentrated on. He was already occupied by repeating what the man had said. You remembered  _ everyone _ . 

He had glimpses of his time as the Soldier, but faces were never clear, he couldn't remember his victims. He understood now, how much it must hurt you and why the two of you weren't alike. You'd chosen this, why he didn't know, but it was your curse. By choosing, you remembered.

It seemed that the earlier pause that had given hin time to realise this wasn't meant to happen, as before Tony continued he cleared his throat, his voice hitching slightly as he did. "She couldn't possibly go an donate the money herself, too suspicious, so she asked me. By doing so, I've taken all the credit, but she hasn't cared about that. I...the donations today were the first she ever honoured to someone else than the victim. Don't you find a pattern in where the money went?" Tony's eyes bored into him as he said this, making Bucky unable to do anything else than dumbfoundedly shake his head.  "Mental health", the billionaire shook his head after he'd said that and as soon as the movement stilled, he let it rest against the wall behind him. This time his pause was intended, perhaps to think about what he would say, or simply let his words sink in.

"Long before you knew, she'd made that decision. Before your fight yesterday and the fact that you got to truly know her, she decided to honour you", with that said, the billionaire cast a last glance at the blue-eyed soldier, before pushing off from the wall to start walking towards the couch group in the middle of the room.  "Do what you want with the fact Bucky, just thought you should know", the dark-haired man called over his shoulder and hearing his voice, your head perked up. 

Instead of looking at Stark however, your eyes immediately found Bucky's over the billionaire's shoulder. It was as your gazes met, Bucky felt  _ that _ feeling surface. It was the same one he'd gotten after the first time meeting you. As well as that time in the gym, along the countless times of talking sessions. Heck, even during the movie night. 

You meant more to him then anything had in a hundred years.


End file.
